That Might Be Me

Well, I'm off to the beach tomorrow for the family trip. Sunny skies and pretty weather are predicted for the week, so my "I heart a good tan" personality is very happy. You know you truly enjoy the sun and surf when you are willing to don the number of tent-like maternity bathing suits that I am. I'm just passing the point where a size larger tankini no longer looks quite right. If you see anything on the news about a beached whale lying in the edge of the surf at a North Carolina beach next week, look closely! That might be me. You should be able to identify the blindingly white stomach with the winking eye bellybutton that's only popped out on the top.

While I'm gone, there are a couple of things I have been pondering that perhaps you can assist with. Firstly, my sister seems to find it offensive that I pee when I'm talking on the phone. In my opinion, this is a standard practice with friends you talk to often and a given with family. They've heard you pee before. I don't make it a habit to poop while talking, except once with Eddie, and I muted during the plops.

Secondly, what is the proper protocol when you are in a restaurant and a three year old is leaning over the booth from the next table, screaming/playing at you and waving their arms around? You are correct in assuming the usual oblivious parent.

Thirdly, portable DVD players. I think they're a pretty nifty device and just got one myself (for my 30th birthday, 2 months late, but I don't think I need to elaborate on that). When on an airplane, it seems to me that headphones are in order. Am I correct in that assumption? What are you supposed to do with the guy who does not share this sentiment and instead shares his movie with the surrounding cabin? Think on that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week! I will think of you often. This is the only week of the year I am cut off from my two loves, Gus and internet access. Think good thoughts for Gus so that hopefully he will behave for his caretakers without major incident.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Me, Gus, here. I know I haven't been too good lately. When I heard you telling that lady down the street how good I've been lately, it's like something snapped in my brain and I went a little crazy. See, I thought maybe you were going to be getting them to babysit me or something and you know how I hate when you leave me. I saw dad sneak that suitcase out of the closet last night. I have eyes, you know. But that little problem the other day? Technically, that was dad's fault.

See, when you guys went to the pool, dad left the pantry open. I was just doing my usual surveillance - you know, to make sure the homestead is secure and all - when I noticed the door open. When I peeked inside to check for invaders, I saw that box of those individual cereals that that nice MAN gave us a couple months ago? You know I love to help you eat those. I just thought maybe I'd have just the one bowl, so I chewed off the wrapper and got after that plastic bowl of cereal. It was GOOOO-ood! Lucky Charms really are magically delicious. But then I think I slipped into some kind of sugar coma because when you got home and I was all bloated and passed out on the couch?

There were four boxes of cereal on the floor around me, so it appeared as though I ate 3 Lucky Charms and a Cinnamon Toast Crunch! I have no memory of any of that. I do think it was right mean of you to not give me dinner that night.

I am sorry, though, about embarrassing you yesterday when your room mom from school came over to measure for those baby curtains she's making you.

I definitely should not have looked in her purse. That was really bad manners. I'm just not used to things being left on the floor for me! It was so tempting! But even when I looked, I definitely, definitely, for sure should not have picked those pretty pieces of paper out of there with my teeth. And....I probably ought not have run around the house with them in my mouth. I didn't know they were checks. Who would've thought that's what $700 tasted like? I had no way of knowing. So, really, I'm perfectly innocent.

I wanted to tell you I'm really sorry and maybe please, please you might put that suitcase away. I promise I'll be so good if only you'll stay home. I get so lonely when you're not here. Pretty please?

Love and slobber, Gus

Once Upon A Time...a tale of yore.

There was a princess who worked at a camp. We will call her Pigs. Her job at the camp was working in a place called headquarters, which was basically the camp store/post office/candy store. There were a lot of bugs at camp. One day the princess decided that she would take care of the bugs by hanging strips of fly paper from the ceiling. So she did. Later that week, the girl was climbing up on the counter to get a t-shirt from a high shelf that she had just sold to a camper when she found herself unbecomingly attached to the ceiling. It seems that her hair had become ensnared in the aforementioned fly paper which was now covered in various critters of crawling nature, some still writhing pitifully. There was some screaming and some loss of hair as the girl descended from on high atop the counter. It was henceforth declared that there would be no more use of flypaper in the headquarters kingdom.
The End.

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Twalk Amongst Yourselves

If you use a Betty Crocker cookie mix to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies, and you mix in the egg and the butter and cook them in your own oven, can you say you made homemade cookies? Discuss.

Your Requests, Please

It has been suggested to me by two readers who shall remain nameless that I do another picture post like I did last summer. What your job is: make requests of things you would like to see pictures of. Then I am amused for a day taking and uploading said pictures for your viewing pleasure. I will also attempt to write more frequent blog posts so that the aforementioned nameless readers will stay off my case.

Efwasp the Aqua Bandit

While I realize that you must be growing tired of my persistent rambling about all things pool, this one borders along my teaching nerve. First of all, I am very cognizant of the fact that when I go to the pool, I cannot expect to not be splashed by water. Pools are for kids too and they are splashy beings. I don't mind the splashing. Sometimes it cools my skin at just the right spot where the sun is eating away my fleshy goodness. However.

I draw the line at the kid who we shall call EvilFreakWithASlackParent. (Efwasp) My friend and I were lying peacefully on The Rafts Of Glory, kind of away from all the action. We are always careful to choose a quiet corner or side area where we won't be in the way of the kids' games and things. There we floated, happily engaged in adult conversation when Efwasp arrives at the pool. Efwasp immediately runs away from his mom and races poolside to fill his SuperSoaker water gun. He then visually assesses the pool crowd and selects his target. A friend from school, you might think? No. He selects us.

Under his mother's watchful eye, he then laughs a crazy, maniacal laugh all the way to our corner. The whole time, we are certain he's not coming over to us...surely not, right? He comes. He aims the gun directly at us, straight up gangsta, and fires the entire barrel of water all over us. Total strangers. Adults. Innocent adults floating in the pool. Efwasp cackles evilly to himself, then proceeds to do this three more times until he loses interest since we're not reacting. His mother? Nothing. Reading a magazine.

Third Snake of Summer Sighted at Pig's Home

The fierce and masterful Gus the Beagle savagely sought out, cornered and barked at the third snake of the summer, summoning his masters from afar. Said masters emerged from the home, immediately sensing the imminent danger from the tone of the canine eruptions. The couple observed that the dog had chased the snake up the fence and onto the bird feeder, placing it just at adult human head level.


Mr. Pigs began to scream Gus' name desperately, as though he was fearing his life, his voice cracking only once. All of this drama of course taking place safely behind the screen door. After several attempts at coersion via treats, puppy chow, and even peanut butter, it was clear that the owners were going to have to attempt a different strategy. After much discussion, trembling, and pleas for survival, Mr. Pigs sent his six months pregnant wife out to race across the lawn, scoop the dog from danger, and bolt back inside. Let it be noted that he did hold the door.

Purlieu: a frequently visited place, Word of the Day calendar

I spent another day at the pool today! I really don't have a very thrilling existence, but it sure is a peaceful one. (I will again mention here the joy that is my mesh raft.) I also went to the library and the dry cleaners - ooh, la, la! Try to contain your excitement and jealousy. At the library, I saw one of my students who if I was to have favorites would be my favorite. He's the guy who gave me a reading list at the end of the school year of books he thought I'd like. Today he checked in to see how many I'd read. Eek! The pressure! It is so freeing to be able to talk candidly about that school with parents without the threat of job loss hanging over my head. Last thought about library - if you've read any good books lately that you think I might like, please leave in the comments. You can check out my strange and varied reading taste over there at the left.

Yesterday, I issued myself a challenge: go to the mall and spend no money. Armed with a fistful of gift cards, I obtained a new wallet, a bathing suit, two shirts, a dress, and a kid's meal at Sonic for the cost of.....nothing! It was so satisfying. The things I do to entertain myself in the summer...which reminds me. Back in April, I somehow managed to spill a strawberry banana smoothie down the side of my car one morning before school. See, my hands were full, so I used my smoothie arm to push my door shut? Yeah. Well, needless to say, the smoothie went down the side of my car and all over my light green capris. Being the staunch caretaker of my car that I am, I carefully let that smoothie dry to a creamy paste on the side of my car. But yesterday! I cleaned it off at the gas station with that windshield washer dooflotchy. Now only the drips remain because I didn't notice those at the gas station. You would benefit to mimic my car care standards, you would. I set a good example. Always clean sugary debris off of your vehicle within two months, I say.

Cwoffee Twalk

I feel strangely free now that I'm not going back to my school anymore. I'm even kicking around the idea of loosening the tight grip on my Flickr photo thinger over there. No one can fire me! I wonder if they could sue me? It's just nice to know that I don't really have to hide quite so clandestinely anymore. I feel like I need to get to know you all over again. Maybe I'll copy my friend Jen and add ten new things a week to my 100 Things list just to get me started!

My weekend was quite kicky. Friday, I spent all afternoon lounging in the pool on the Most Awesome Rafts Ever. These rafts are the only way to lay out when it's over 100 degrees. You should have one. I followed that up with a lovely dinner out. The next day, Mike and I had the distinct pleasure of crib shopping. Just for the record, this is not that fun. But we bought this one and got a fabulous deal on it, which pleases me almost more than the crib itself. Crib shopping is never complete without a trip to an engagement party, so that's what we did next. In case anyone is keeping count, I still can't drink beer and it's still not really fun to be at a party where everyone else is drinking beer. Just for the record. 5 months, 3 weeks, 4 days, and counting.

Nothing exciting happened today except that I just got to listen in on Mike defending my honor to the mother in law regarding baby showers and such. What a good husband I have! I feel all warm and bubbly inside. There's a pretty good chance it may be gas, but I think it's adoration. Mother in laws are a mystery that I can't unravel. They seem like nice, normal people until you get married. Especially if you marry their only child. Just saying.

Finally? I made some banana bread. You know why? Because I wanted some. And it is GOO-OOD all nice and warm from the oven. It may help me get over the fact that the entire jar of chocolate chip cookies that I made last week are all gone. We won't go into detail on the fact that I ate the entire jar myself and that when Mike tried to eat the last cookie, I nearly ate his arm off in animal-like hostility. This seemed perfectly acceptable in the moment. It really did.

Thoughts for the Day

Since Katie and Eddie are nagging me to post, here are some of my thoughts which I may elaborate on later:

1. When faced with the choice of posting or pooling, I choose pooling. I am far busier in the summer than the school year, somehow.
2. There are some people out there who don't know how to move over so you can merge. These people should suffer dark consequences in the afterlife.
3. Small children should not be given clown horns to blow to "keep them busy" in Target while mommy shops for clothes. Some hormonal pregnant ex-teacher might hit them.
4. Maternity clothes are hideous. Whoever invented The Panel should have to wear it for the rest of their life.
5. Maternity bathing suits are worse. Why, WHY, why would you put bright, large patterns overtop a bulging bulbous belly? Why?

Now I'm off to inflate my rafts for the pool. We've been over 100 all week, so raft-time is nigh.

Oh -

6. I think chocolate chip cookies should count as a food group. Do you think dairy, protein, vegetable, fruit, or grain?

Purging Pointers

So, I spent all weekend cleaning out the guest room that is to be the future nursery and I learned a few things:

1. In four years you accumulate a lot more stuff that you realize. I should have a purge party every year to prevent this from happening in the future.

2. There is no need to save every shoe box you purchase. While a couple might come in handy, 18 is kind of a lot.

3. When folding up a bed skirt, you should not fling it haphazardly in front of you to smooth it out so you can fold it. It might - just might! - get caught in the ceiling fan and fling against the wall.

4. Beagles will eat all of the dead spiders and crickets from the closet floor. Don't worry about vacuuming.

5. There are some things that won't even sell on eBay. Just throw them away.

Annoyed

Do you have that friend who is notorious for breaking plans? It drives me insane. I have one friend who follows through so infrequently that I hesitate to make plans with her because she always backs out at the last minute and never seems to think it's a big deal. No apology, nothing. Now, I will clarify that the plans in question are frivolous little summer pool plans, but I still like to plan out my days so that I don't wind up sitting at home getting cabin fever. A day at the pool is not a little plan to me. It's one step in my journey to summer brownness and thou shalt not waste a sunny day. Canceling at the last minute is just rude. Rude! Rude. Especially when one uses an excuse that they would've known about long before half an hour before said event is about to transpire. I've seen this person do this to other people often, so I shouldn't be that surprised when it happens, but good grief. Now I'm all twitchy and annoyed.

Off to the grocery store hungry. I should at least come home with some good food. Then? I'm going to the pool anyway. With a reliable friend. Harumph.

Schoooooool's out for summer!

(Is that song in your head now?) You know what's cool about summer? How much your priorities change so quickly. I was annoyed this morning when Gus woke me up at 8am, wanting to go out. (Normally, we get up at 6, so this is a 2 hour sleep in.) I had to actually put on some non-pajama clothes to take the trash out this morning so the neighbors would think I have been up for hours, working away. I strategically plan out my errand-running to make sure I have at least one place to go each day so that I don't contract cabin fever.
I have time to do the things that I want to do! I've always wanted to write a children's novel and I started one last summer and just now picked it up again. Here's my question to the blogosphere: Once I write this bad boy, then what do I do with it? I know no one in the publishing world to even ask about it. Would love some advice there.
Have you noticed my blog posts become all disjointed and rambly when I don't have specific, constructive things to complain about? What if my blog was only fun to read because of teaching? Gasp! I'd better start working on my post about the stool softeners, stat. Coming tomorrow.

Complicated.

Do you ever feel like you're undergoing an intensive interview when you buy gas these days?
Are you a Kroger Plus member? Will you scan your card? Are you going to pay outside or inside? Debit or credit? PIN number? Would you like a receipt? Would you like a car wash today? Zip code? Regular or premium?
I swear, I started to sweat at the pump before I even started pumping gas yesterday.