One minute per year of age.

This is the point when my husband (with complete sincerity) says, "I have nothing to wear. Can you go to the dry cleaners tomorrow?"

I'm sorry, seriously? There's like twenty shirts hanging there. and most of them are white, blue, or white AND blue. He looks exactly the same every single day. It drives me almost as crazy as when he says his hair isn't doing right. It's half an inch long and has looked identically the same every day for the last, oh...eight years. It must be very subtle, these problems.

In other news, probably becoming repetitive, I found out that elves like to do what they see kids doing. So, here's Simon in Time Out. So, I don't really need to tell you about the last two cold, rain-filled days we've had, do I?

I haven't heard appropriate commentary regarding Simon or his photos, so you're stuck with them until you say otherwise. Off to sort out all the stuff I've bought the boys for Christmas this year.

Now I'm Hungry.

Forgot a rather significant part of the weekend: decorating! Decking the halls. Trimming the homestead. Making Mr. Pigs say things like, "If you put one more Christmas thing in here, it's gonna be too much." Or, "How about we skip the Nativity scene this year? I'm afraid Pigpen will throw baby Jesus." (A valid point.) It was bedlam and a whole mess of messes, but it's done. After the boys finished hanging the ornaments all one on top of the other and 4 to a branch, my OCD and I had to sneak back in there after they were done to straighten the mess out. The big news is that this year Pigpen realizes that the balls are for hanging, not for throwing, so we're making real progress!

I've been having a bit too much fun with Simon the elf. In an effort to get Piglet to believe in him, I'm trying to be good about producing elf antics. The boys were wanting to know what his name was, so one night, he did some artwork:

The next night, I didn't get around to finishing folding a load of Piglet's clothes, so Simon got a little playful in the tighty whities. This one actually elicited a laugh from Piglet the Stoic and he even admonished Simon a little bit this morning:

Tonight, I was getting the boys' lunches made for preschool tomorrow (SQUEEEE! Preschool's back! They've been out for 11 days!) and I remembered that elves like to do whatever the kids like to do. In the morning, they will not find Simon until we get in the car for preschool:

Safety and survival first: he's buckled in and has his lunch box. We'll see how that one goes over. Soon, I think he's going to make a trip to the North Pole to report in to Santa and he might need a nap when he gets back. Maybe he'll bed down in the crib. Still seeking ideas of pranks for Simon to play or places for Simon to be found. I'm hesitant to do the really messy ones because my kids aren't old enough to clean it up yet. I know people who put flour on the floor and had them make snow angels and people who wrote their elf's name in lipstick on the mirror. 

Hmmm. in other news, Gus thinks he's a cat. He's taken to stretching out on the arm of "his" chair in an effort to seek solace from Pigpen's loving, but pokey, fingers:

I have scads of things to do this week, SCADS! Gotta wrap up all this Christmas shopping, use all these expiring coupons, and....I'm not sure what I really have to do, but for some reason, my errand list is ridiculously long this week. Hmm. Maybe I should just skip it. If it's not important enough to remember? Anyhoo. I have a book club Christmas party on Friday and I get to take any book I want for the White Elephant exchange. There are so many choices I don't know where to begin! Do I pick a favorite book? A book that's a joke (have a good one in mind for this)? Make a political statement? SO MANY CHOICES. I'll just roam around a book aisle tomorrow. It's been so long since I purchased a book that I'm not really sure where to start. I'm such a PaperBackSwap and library junkie. I heart the waiting list at the library.

This seems like a good place to stop before my head begins to spin out of control. I had just calmed myself down by making a list, my most soothing activity. Oh, except for apparently cooking. Today was one of those 40 degrees and raining kinds of days, and though I ventured to the gym and Kroger this morning with the boys, we were not going anywhere this afternoon. I did everything but stand on my head to entertain them (even an indoor popcorn movie picnic, HELLO? Mother of the Year right here!) and they were still horrible. These boys are such little cavepeople that if they don't get outside at least a couple times a day, they start to regress back down the evolutionary chain. By bedtime, they were pretty much beating their chests and eating raw meat. And, back to my point, to soothe myself, I began cooking. I made roasting chickpeas with parmesan cheese, which are lovely and crunchy and salty. Then I began to clean out the fridge. I chopped and froze all of the leftover Thanksgiving turkey. I eyed the cranberry sauce for a few minutes before deciding to add it (strained) to banana walnut muffins, which turned out PDA. (Pretty Darn Awesome) I take great satisfaction in using up a good leftover. Like the other night when I learned to make potato patties from leftover mashed potatoes....holy deliciousness! I want those again, but this time with garlic and sour cream and rosemary mixed in. Okay, now I'm destressed, but hungry. Off to the pantry.

Puke Rogue Grass Digging Amen Elf Cynicism Film Mysteries. Right?

Well, somehow I mistakenly fell ill with the stomach viral goodness that's easing its way around my house. Nothing says fun like stomach bugs before Thanksgiving. I managed to rally on Thursday and eat a plate of butter-laden, sugar-laced goodness, so it worked out okay, but I was for sure down for a whole day in case anyone missed me. (Say you missed me here.)

You know what happens when I'm down and out? Mr. Pigs gets sneaky about things around the house. I happened by the back door and heard a shovel scraping the driveway. A peek outside revealed Mr. Pigs DIGGING UP THE GRASS. I'm sorry, hi. Who does that? He went and dug up a long patch of grass in a spot where he no longer wishes there to be grass and I do wish there to be grass. Why didn't he ask me? Because he knew I'd say no, he said. Darn right. So one hilarious driveway argument later found Mr. Pigs grumbling to himself as he attempted to put the grass back. Cue many jokes from my dad about Mr. Pigs aerating the lawn. And I won't mention the two hour bathroom paint job that I said would take four hours that wound up taking five. When I was supposed to be decorating for Christmas. Whoops, just mentioned it. Okay, bitter hour is over.

In other Thanksgiving related news, my kids are kind of obsessed with saying the blessing, a rather strange thing to be obsessed with, right? I mean, clearly things could be worse, but it's quite a commitment they have. I must get a better video soon. Piglet announces that it's time, they clasp their little hands together and squeeze their eyes shut, Pigpen screwing his whole face up so he can still peek out while they bless. Piglet begins reciting the blessing, with Pigpen chiming in only on the capitalized words: God is GREAT, God is GOOD, Let us thank him for our FOOD. By his hands we all are FED, thank you for our daily BREAD-AMEN! The bread and the amen are rushed together in a race to get there first. And it's not an amen, it's a "Somebody give me an a-MEN!" Southern Baptist tent revival kind of amen. Makes me laugh.

We've also introduced the Elf of the Shelf for the season. His name is Simon. Is the SNL Simon song going through your head now? Because it's my chronic soundtrack now. I think having the elf checking up on your kids' behavior and reporting back to Santa is genius, however I didn't anticipate having quite such a cynical four year old. "He can't be real, he's just a toy." "He can't go tell Santa what I did because he's a stuffed elf." Sigh. So, I've had to really amp up the storytelling and the role of magic and the excitement of it all. I'm making tiny bits of progress. I did hear him scream from time out today after he bit Pigpen (???), "Don't tell Simon!!" so maybe he's starting to believe. My Santa days might be limited, and they've only begun. I think I've done a good job so far, but I'm going to have to keep it up every night to make a believer out of this one. So far, Simon has been found driving Pigpen's school bus:

And writing his name and a self-portrait? I totally would've bought this stuff as a kid. It's hard work parenting Piglet.

Therefore, I submit my request to you, the readers, for the 30 or so more ideas I need for antics of the elf to make Piglet a believer. Thanks in advance. You're such pals.

I will wrap up here by telling you that while I have written this post, I have engaged in supremely nerdy behavior. Mr. Pigs is away at the Clemson game for the night, so I spent the evening synchronizing my When Harry Met Sally DVD with my pal AMP's When Harry Met Sally DVD in New York. We did various spot checks on key dialogue to make sure we were still synched up throughout the viewing as we chatted on the IM. After thoroughly evaluating the film, we were left with one question we were unable to answer: Why, WHY, was is necessary for a couple to have separate phone lines on either side of their bed? Remember Marie and Jess each talking to Sally and Harry, respectively, at the same time? Is this some 80s/90s thing we don't remember? I'm flummoxed.

Could this post be more random? No, it could not.

The Law.

Piglet is obsessed with the law. If I want him to do something, I just inform him that it is for sure, most definitely a law, and he will oblige. So far, eating breakfast with a shirt on is the law. Making your bed before coming downstairs is the law. Answering when mommy calls you? Law. Anytime I ask him to do something, he says, "Is that the law?" Why yes! Yes, it is.

The downfall comes when I'm driving the car. "Mommy? Are you going the speed limit?" Errrrr.....yes. (Now I am.) Mommy? Are you speeding? There's a police officer. Is he giving people tickets? Are they going to jail? (No, you just pay a fine.) Is that the law? YES. It's kind of endless. I found some cute signs in a store the other day that are a stoplight, a stop sign, and a detour sign. I'm thinking about easing the transportation theme in his room over to law enforcement. I'm surprised he hasn't written me a ticket yet. Santa is bring him a police costume that Santa may have picked up 75% off at Target after Halloween. His head will probably explode on Christmas morning. Best to tell him that's against the law.

In other law-related news, I had a really annoying snafu with my property taxes that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. To review: the county now charges a percentage based fee for paying online, which wound up being $86, as opposed to last year's $3 "courtesy fee" which I found annoying at the time. Clearly, I huffed and puffed a bit before deciding to mail that bad boy in with one of those old-fashioned and highly expensive stamp things.

It was mailed on a Friday, due on a Monday. Should be a piece of cake, being that it was local, in-town mail. HA HA HA. You know nothing is ever that easy. After stalking the website and my checking account for a week, I called last Thursday. The man who politely asked how he could "hep" me told me that as long as it was postmarked by the due date, I had nothing to worry about. Imagine my irritation when my taxes finally showed up on their website as paid, but with a $34 fee due. BAH!

I called in again and got a very lovely woman this time who asked how she could "hep" me. She pulled up my file and found that the envelope was not delivered to them until the following Friday (that's four days late. I don't DO late.) and, AND?? That it wasn't postmarked. "Honey, that stamp is as clean and fresh as the day you slapped it on there." So there's no proof that I mailed it on time - or three days early! I'm so vexed. Annoyed. My only consolation is that the $34 is cheaper than the $86 convenience fee that I would have incurred had I paid online. VEXED!

I'd better not tell Piglet about this. He might turn me in.

Great Green Globs of Greasy Grimy Guacamole

Facts:

• Stomach bugs always begin at night, usually after parents have fallen asleep.
• Guacamole looks about the same coming out as it did going in. True story.
• Two year olds should not be allowed to consume an entire plate of guacamole, no matter how excited the mom might be that her kid is eating something green.
• Beagles have no sense of time. When you go into their [laundry] room to do 3am laundry, they are certain it's breakfast time and may run around the house like wild, manic, starving creatures.
• Vomited guacamole does, in fact, wash out of duvet covers.
• Duvet covers seem like a good idea until you have to wash and iron them.
• Two year olds are spunky, chipper, and fancy free in the morning when aforementioned parent is trying to reclaim her 3 lost hours of sleep. Apprently, vomit does not affect toddler mood.
• Final fact: There will not be pictures attached to this post. You're welcome.

Other drifting unrelated thought: I wonder if any of the Magic Tree House Books #1-40 that I've read aloud to Piglet should count toward my 50 books read. Ponder.

Fast Forward

See? I was blogging so well, and then....I traveled. Wah....waaaaaaahhhh. But! There's good and bad here. I'll do a Cliff Notes drive by of my week and catch back up. Try to jump back on the wagon and all. First of all, after my race to Charlotte and back for my suitcase containing all of my worldly possessions, I had lunch with a former fourth grade student who is now a freshman in college. Want to feel old? Go do that. But it was really great to see her all grown up and catch up on what happened to the rest of my former students. She told me she was impressed that a) I didn't pick her up in a minivan, and b) I used the word "ghetto" in conversation. I'll take it.

Saturday morning, I headed north to visit my pal Eddie and her boy toy. I left the chil-rens with my parents, pressed play on my book on CD, and took off! When I found myself lost in Tight Squeeze, Virginia (for real, this is a place. They even have a Tight Squeeze Business Center), I realized that perhaps I hadn't been paying attention too well. A mere 20 minute detour and I was on my way. Somewhere along the trip, I also crossed Difficult Creek and wished I'd had my camera out for these classic photo ops. Alas.

At Eddie's house? I got to shop, go to an art gallery showing, have an adult dinner, sleep in my own bed, and shoot pool for the first time in, oh....10 years. (I'm still supremely awful.) It was all pretty relaxing and fabulous until I got the voice mail from my mom. "Um, Pigs? Piglet sort of just threw up. Twice. All over his bed and covers and pajamas." OF COURSE HE DID. Wait til I go away for a mere 24 hour visit, and he has to make me all guilty and worried. He puked again at 1am, in case you were wondering. You know why? Because he ate four pieces of pizza for dinner. Yep. That'll do it every time. Shudder. And guilt.

I hightailed it home in the morning, bathed both kids (I swear they smelled like puke), and finished my trip with a visit with Baby Lucy, the boys' mutual one year old crush who just visited us in October. The crush remains in tact, as they talked about her for the next two days. Drove back to the ATL on Monday with my mom in tow. I like to import her once or twice a year to get good face time and some built in adult companionship in my preschool-heavy world. It's been lovely. Nothing too blog-worthy this week, unless you want a play by play of my haircut or my eye doctor appointment.

My book club met last night on The Help, and it was honestly the most interesting conversation I have heard in a long time. I had to leave early because my sister and brother in law blew in from the north for a night en route to Florida and I had to get home to see them quickly before they blew out again. It was hard to leave, though, because I wanted to talk about MORE THINGS! I loved that book and wasn't done with it. I'm still seeking a couple of follow up meetings. Maybe I'll crash some other people's book clubs when they discuss it. You know, like the old folks at the library? When I see that book come up on the agenda, I'm just going to crash the meeting.

Anyhoo, got home last night, led sis and BIL to guest room, prepared to crash, went to check on Pigpen to find him with a 103 degree temperature. SIGH, SIGH, SIGH. Took him to the pediatrician today to find him with some sort of sinus dilemma involving green snot and, strangely, diarrhea. Who knew? We're back on antibiotics for the first time since the tubes and adenoid surgery. And there we are. All caught up on the Clearly Important Parts. Will be jumping back on wagon.

PS - I noticed this evening that I am only 8 books away from my yearly goal of 50 books. I'm halfway through my book on CD in the car and my pooping book in the bathroom, so really it's only six books I have left! It's so in my reach this year that it's alarming.

Nostalgia

After a 3 hour round trip drive to Charlotte this morning, my dad casually mentions that he'd like me to clean out my closet. Oh, and load Microsoft Office onto his computer. And mom needs help with an Amazon package. None of that is terribly interesting, but the contents of my closet were tremendously entertaining! (For me. You just have to read about them.)

A few highlights:

First, we picture my teeth molds. As in, this is what I would look like today if not for modern orthodontia. Let us all take a moment and thank the Lord for modern orthodontia.

Next, we are featuring my Pizza Hut hat. This is the only one I found, probably the lone wolf after the other 75 flew out of my trunk when I was rear ended in a car accident. My boss gave me a new hat every day I worked because I hated wearing them and "forgot" every time.

Merlin! Remember Merlin? I need not say more. Piglet desecrated its memory by talking on it like a phone. The 80s were horrified and have filed a complaint via Etch a Sketch.

More with the teeth. I'm not sure what my obsession with teeth was, but I couldn't bear to part with them once I figured out the tooth fairy wasn't real. The big ones with roots were a gift from the dentist, but I can't remember if they are the four permanent molars I had pulled, or my wisdom teeth. A life mystery, I tell you.

And, holy Bon Jovi, it's my cassette tape collection!

And my one remaining record. I tried, but could not locate the Cabbage Patch Kids' Garden record that we used for tunes when roller skating in the basement.

The real treasure, though, were the six boxes of letters I found. I had forgotten how much we used to write! Many are from my first couple of years of college before everyone consistently had email. I could spend hours going through these letters, and probably will at some point. It really makes me want to pick up a pen and write some folks some letters. It's a shame that stamps are practically 50 cents now. And that letters are a weird novelty thing. I mean, my roommates and I wrote letters over breaks! Eddie and I wrote to each other weekly! There were whole back and forth conversations in letters that continued week to week! There was a FIGHT between my two best friends that was kind of horrible and got mailed to me to keep me in the know. Letters from home, telling me to save my money and here's a bill and don't forget to send your grandmother a thank you note. Letters from friends from middle school and my sister, who made envelopes out of maxi pad ads from magazines. It's like a different world....hard to believe HOW different it is now, only 15 years later.

This was terribly disjointed writing, but it kind of matches the randomness that I uncovered in my closet. Now what to do with these t-ball trophies and this old recorder?

Gas.

Today's post should be called "Are you serious?", but I haven't written it yet, so let's see what happens. Today I embarked upon one of my favorite adventures: traveling with toddlers. And a beagle. Let's make that the Gassy Beagle and just jump right in there. Gus....emitted.....fumes everytime he stood up, adjusted, or turned around on the five (5) hour drive. This may be the last time he is allowed to sit in the front seat next to me. It was most distracting, but the boys were remarkably good, so I should really be tolerant of the dog gas.

I should back up and mention that while the boys were in preschool this morning, I had the luxury of packing the three of us in peace. I packed everything neatly, crossed things off lists, made sure that I didn't forget the boys' bathroom stuff like I did last time, it was beautiful. Pretty sure I skipped around some. I remembered to pack things that were pure genius. Belts! Matching shoes! Pajamas! Conditioner! Perfectly perfect. And so quiet! I neatly loaded the car and was off.

I picked up the boys from school early and set off for a fairly easy trip. Aside from Piglet shaking Pigpen's arm during his nap ("Are you alive Pigpen? PIGPEN??") and fully opening an umbrella while I was driving, it went fairly well. We made one rather urgent stop for Piglet to pee on the side of the road at a truck stop (always keeping it klassy over here), and from there we busted right on through. "Made good time!" I muttered to myself, Clark Griswold style, as I began to unload the car. It was several minutes later, that I realized my error.

I had left an entire suitcase in Atlanta. That would be the one with my shoes, my hairbrush, all of my makeup, medicine, toothbrush, flat iron, my GLASSES! Did I mention my SHOES?! Perhaps this would be the time to mention that not only am I going to see Eddie this weekend, but I am also meeting a former student of mine tomorrow for lunch. A student whom I haven't seen, oh....since she was TEN and she's now in college and I HAVE NO SHOES OR HAIRBRUSH! Not to mention I can't see. And I've been having all these problems with my contacts for months now and I'm not supposed to wear them that long, and I have no glasses. OH THE HORROR.

So, now? Instead of relaxing at my parents' house in the morning? I get to drive back to Charlotte (1.5 hours) and back home again (another 1.5 hours). Thank goodness, Mr. Pigs is going through Charlotte tomorrow on his way to his parents' house and can bring it. But I'm still going to be unclean and besmirched. This is just an obscene waste of time. And gas. But at least, I won't have Gus gas on this trip, I suppose. I'm pretty sure this post will now be called Gas. Wish me luck.

More Fascinating Stuff You Were Dying to Read.

Well, since you asked, this morning Pigpen was up at 6:48am.....a drastic improvement over the last few mornings. And Piglet? After his night of debauchery that last until 10:15pm, I had to go in and wake him up at 8:00 for school. It's improving! There are signs! Tonight they were both asleep at much more reasonable hours.

Highlights of today? Piglet managed to dump a wheelbarrow full of rocks over onto himself, while simultaneously pulling Pigpen down with him and get his ankle hung in the basketball hoop. I would explain what happened, but frankly, I have no idea. Both boys spent a significant amount of time in time out this afternoon. (Unpaid advertisement: if you haven't read/used 1, 2, 3 Magic, get a copy. It's the simplest, most straightforward thing ever. All you have to be is consistent and it works.)

It's such a blessing that Pigpen gets time out. He's so, so, so different from Piglet. Piglet took forEVER to understand the concept of staying in time out and always had to be sent to his room when he left time out. But Pigpen just stands there pitifully for his full two minutes and wails like his dog died until he hears that beep. Then? He squeals with glee and comes skipping out with a huge grin on his face like the world is a brand new place. Same with the big boy bed. He has yet to get out of the bed! He goes to bed at night or nap....and lies down in the bed! And stays there until he goes to sleep! And then?? In the morning or after nap? He wakes up and sits up in bed and quietly calls me, "Mommy? Moooooooommmmmy? All done! Mommy?" until I come and get him out of bed. It's craziness. If I didn't have Piglet to deal with, I'd hate me.

Pigpen is making up for his good behavior with his new skill of turning off light switches. Constantly. Usually when I'm trying to, well, SEE. Very irritating. But he's cute and stays where we put him, so we'll keep him.

In less interesting news, I went to pay my property taxes today and thought I was being all clever paying them with my Upromise credit card so I'd a) get the free college money and b) basically defer payment of said taxes for a month. Sadly, I got there to find that they charge a 2.5% "convenience fee", which was described on the tax bill as "nominal". I do not consider $86 to be nominal. Seriously? $86 for using a credit card? Are you kidding me? So I had to engage in the mad scramble to make sure the payment gets mailed and there on time and the money is actually in the bank to pay said taxes. What a pain.

Finally, we are headed home to my parents' house tomorrow. Piglet is nearly out of his skin with excitement; he's been counting the days for a week now. Please think kind thoughts of me as I journey five hours alone with both boys and Gus tomorrow afternoon. I'm praying for a Pigpen nap and Piglet interest in the movies I picked out at the library today. I hope, I hope, I hope.....

You! With the Hair!

My day began at 6:08 this morning, my boys' chosen wake up time. Will they never adjust to this blasted time change? I need to point out that I'm used to my kids sleeping until 8, so this is pretty painful. At least today was a preschool day, so I had something to focus on as I dragged out of bed. Since I was up so early, I went ahead and jumped in the shower, thus making time for my Trip to the Mall. (Or Aunt Eddie's Mothership as Piglet calls it.)

While I was in the shower, I mulled over my dream last night. I dreamed, very clearly, that I had given birth to a third child, another boy (natch) whom I elected to name.....are you ready for this? Quaker. I purposely named a kid Quaker. I have no idea. Went to bed hungry? Dreamed of oats? Dunno. Best not to dwell too much on it, right?

Screamed into the parking lot at 8:47, dropped those kids off, and was outta there before the clock turned 9. Then I remembered that the mall doesn't open until 10. OF COURSE. In lieu of fun shopping, I came home, folded laundry, emptied the dishwasher and changed sheets. Aren't you jealous? Well, I should've just stuck to the housekeeping because the mall was terribly stressful.

I had a very specific mission: jeans at the Gap, check H&M for sweaterish wrap thing/something to possibly wear to Christmas events, and scan Pottery Barn for markdown deals on which to use longstanding gift card. Simple, right? I made it through Pottery Barn (two lemon topiaries for $14!) and H&M (one sweater thing) before I was attacked by Lunatic Hair Freak from the Flat Iron Kiosk.

For reasons I can't explain, kiosks weird me out anyway. People are always hocking something, trying to get you to do weird things in the middle of a mall....remember those water massage tables? Massage chairs? Eyebrow waxing? Braids? Make up application? It's just too much. This small, zippy, perky girl spots me and darts across the floor to attack me.

It's like she was looking for me: Ooh! Long, straight hair! She'll buy this! I politely took the card she thrust into my hand and tried to walk away, but she grabbed a strand of my hair and started straightening it! For real! She had me by the hair. "Um, I just did that this morning, but thanks!" I tried to squirm away from her, but before I knew it she had made a curl in my hair. Like a long, boing-y curl. "Look!" she squealed. "It doesn't brush out!" She combs the curl while counting her strokes. "One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Look, still there, good as new! Even if you wet it, it will stay! Six, seven, eight...." I believe she went to 15. People were staring. All I could think of was lice.

Why not walk away, you might ask? Well, she had me. I was stuck there with one -ONE! - curl on my otherwise straightened head of hair. "Um, you gotta take that out. I have to go." I smiled politely. She just kept talking. She was selling me this thing half price, giving me a free travel one, a free bottle of heat protectant. It was endless. It wasted 20 minutes of my life, and I could NOT for the life of me get away from her. Finally, I convinced her I was just going to the Gap to think about it and told her I had to walk right past her on my way out, and I busted a move to get away.

I was half scared she was going to follow me to the Gap. I found my jeans and got out of there Quicky McFasty and headed to my car like a criminal. I walked all the way down to a Macy's, went up their escalator, and doubled back over the Flat Iron kiosk, hugging the wall, lest she spot me up above. It was stressful. I may have bad dreams.

That is, if I ever get to sleep. It is 10:06pm right now and I just had to go up to Piglet's room and help him a) down from his dresser, where he climbed because he "wanted to speak directly into the monitor to call me", and b) back into his zip up pajamas, which he took off to "check and see how his toe was doing, but he couldn't get them back on." Do you know WHY my four year old is up at 10pm? Because he took a nap today. Why? Because he was up at 6:08am. Why? BECAUSE OF THE TIME CHANGE! It's the worst vicious cycle. And we are traveling home Thursday through Monday, so that will only make it worse. I just give up.

Until these kids get back on a normal schedule, you may have to hear about what time I have to get up each day. Promise.

(Lots of parentheses coming up.)

Today was a beating. The good news is that I quickly finished up The Help last night....the bad news is that I have that book hangover where I miss all the characters and keep thinking about it all day. And wishing there was a another chapter coming up. I am excited about my book club meeting on this one. We always bring food in the theme of the book, so I'm trying to decide on my best Southern cooking dish. Perhaps a big 'ol banana puddin'. Mmmmmm.....

So, as I predicted for the last few days, both kids were up by 6:20am today. Pigpen actually woke up at 5:30, but Mr. Pigs thankfully talked him into another 45 minutes of shut eye. Sadly, that means I've been awake since 5:30am two days in a row now and this simply does not set well with me. I don't feel clever, I don't feel witty. I have brain fog. I'm more inclined to berate my children than laugh at them....with a few exceptions. In my sleepy stupor today, I began to pick up on how MANY (many, many, many) questions Piglet asks all day. I mean all day long. He never stops with the questions. Nonstop. And usually loud and occasionally in public.

Just a handful from today: ( I want you to pause and think about how you would answer each one.)

Mommy? How come there's so many storm drains?

[Seriously. Is there a right answer? Because it rains a lot?]

Mommy? What makes it rain?

[Sigh. Science. Meteorology. Clouds. God is watering the trees. I invoke God a lot lately to explain nature.]

Mommy? What do you call it? That thing when ice cubes fall from the sky?

[Hail. It's called hail.]

Yeah. Is that why there's garages?

[YES!]

Mommy? Can turtles climb trees? Do they live in swamps? Can they crawl out of their shell? Why do they have a shell?

[head spinning from rapid machine gun style questioning]

Hey, are there sharks in swamps?

[No, salt water, fresh water, yada yada. Gills.]

Are gills like a snorkel?

[snicker. YES. Picturing various types of fish swimming about in ocean with snorkels and flippers]

AUGH!! Mommy! [grasps at self] There's something in there! It's not pee pee or poo poo or my wee wee!! [Flails about in carseat}

[Interesting. It passes.]

Mommy? Why can't we teach Gus to use the potty? Why can't I pee in the yard anymore?

[It's against the law. Discuss law for a while. He spot police car]

Mommy? Why is that policeman just driving around?

[He's making rounds to make sure everyone is following the rules.]

What? What's rounds? Rounds?

Pigpen: ROUND ROUND ROUND ROUND.....FAN! [squeals]

Hey, Mommy? How do trees stand up?

[Discuss root systems. Water. Back to God watering plants.]

Those questions are just ones I remember off the top of my head from our drive to the YMCA, which is a mere five minutes away from our house. Just the tip of the iceberg. There was also a barrage of questions about an old lady on one of those scooter things in Kroger. (Embarrassing.) There was also a four attempt redo on proper exiting technique from the playcenter at the YMCA. (Very embarrassing, but necessary. They like to go tearing out of there like wild, crazed maniacs. We totally practiced walking properly over and over until they did it right. I went all school teacher on them. Very publicly.)

And, finally after I made them chocolate chip cookies for snack (See? I can be nice.), Pigpen got chocolate all over himself and Piglet freaked out, "Mommy!! Pigpen has a chocolate booger!!) I dislodged the chip from his nostril, much to Piglet's relief and Pigpen's annoyance. Delightful creatures to eat with, they are.

To wrap up, I'm catching Pigpen's cold, which I am VERY vexed about. I'm sucking down Vitamin C and zinc and am in total denial of illness. Just looking the other way. Head in the sand. What cold? Have way too much to do this week to be sick. Nope, not gonna do it. Nuh-uh. Preschool resumes tomorrow and perhaps that will be healing to my immune system. I just need a good night of sleep!

I compliment y'all on your improved commenting of late. Look at us all getting back to the way things were....me writing? You talking? I like it. The convo is much better when it's not me doing all the talking. Need a topic? Give a good answer to one of Piglet's questions that I can use next time. Thanks!

Help!

I forgot to mention last night that after we returned home from the Clemson game, Gus was so bent out of shape about being left all day that he tore outside like a furry tornado of destruction. He raced up the yard, down the yard, released a few courtesy howls, and then ate a bird. Not ate a bird in the sense that he caught a bird and killed it, but more in the sense that he happened upon some dead bird that probably perished from some wasting avian disease and fell out of its nest in my yard. So, he ate old, previously perished, possibly infected bird. While running from me. Feathers everywhere.
Fast forward to last night when the time change wacked everything out as I predicted it would. Piglet was up in his room for hours picking at his toes and messing around instead of sleeping. Pigpen woke up at a bright and early dark and dreadful 5:41am....for the day. Lucky for me Mr. Pigs got up with him. Rather, he went into his room and let Pigpen "read" to him for an hour until Piglet woke up. I couldn't fall back to sleep because my internal clock is all screwed up now, so I took a leisurely lay in bed and read and read and read in The Help, which I cannot put down for anything. It's the reason this post is going to be short because I MUST finish that book tonight. More digression.

When I finally rolled out of bed this morning, I got to start my day by cleaning up puked bird. Because the bird wasn't gross enough the first time, I got to enjoy it in its vomited form.

Day was spent moving furniture downstairs, rearranging a room, cleaning up after all of said rearranging. While relaxing during nap with The Help, Pigpen fell out of his bed and shook the house with the crash. Poor peanut....so sad! Cooking, cleaning, and teaching the boys how to play Cootie rounded out the rest of the day. One major meltdown over a lack of footed pajamas ended the day and now all is well. Two sleeping kids and I'm on my way....just as soon as I finish this book. Will try to return tomorrow with witty anecdotes and clever prose. (har har)

PSA

Clemson vs NC State game today. I like to harass Mr. Pigs when this game comes up every year by threatening to wear red and black in support of my college years. Going to a women's college renders one something of a free agent in the world of sports affiliations. In college, NC State was my go to team, but alas...I married Clemson. I have already digressed in the first paragraph! This cannot bode well for the remainder of this post.

The game, being one of the noon variety, means - in Clemson terms - that you are supposed to be parked, tailgating and beer drinking by 9am at the LATEST. Me, being of the realistic and practical variety, said HECK no and we rolled in at a shameful 10:15am. Mr. Pigs was publically flogged, and we quickly resumed normal activities. Somehow, the way we work things winds up being that the menfolk go to the game (insert Tim the Toolman grunts here) and us lady folk tend to the young 'uns.

I would be referring to the five (5) young 'uns ages 6, 4, 4, 2, and 1. The 6 year old and the 1 year old are of the sweet female persuasion and no trouble at all, but the three boys in the middle there are impressively noisy and rowdy, as boys are made to be. Before the menfolk ditched us for the game, we took the kids to watch the parade. It was Military Appreciation Day, but I'm pretty sure that Piglet and Pigpen were appreciating something else all together:

They were completely mesmerized and didn't move from that spot until all the pretty girls in tiny amounts of clothing has passed by. Once they shook off their stupor, we headed downtown, where it seemed like a good idea to take the kids out to lunch. This is where the story gets a little embarrassing and kind of awkward.

My friend and I were actively seeking an adult beverage in addition to our lunch (good for parenting), so we wheeled out two strollers plus three more kids up into a sports bar. Well, I'm pretty sure these folks hadn't seen kids in there in maybe, um, ever and we just rolled up with five. The guy at the door gaped openly and goes, "Are y'all gonna be drinking?" We smilled and said, "Yes, please" and he gave us both Over 21 bracelets with the name and number of a local DUI lawyer on them. I suppose he didn't feel the need to card us, with the strollers and baggage and all, but I have to say it was rather disappointing.

After unearthing their one (1) highchair and tucking us into a corner booth away from the students who were opening staring at us, several employees watched us like we were caged monkeys. I'm pretty sure they'd never seen kids dump salt shakers or throw food on the floor. I know for a fact they've never heard a four year old boy announce to the room that he had to go poo poo. And the girls in the bathroom with us had probably never heard a four year old boy detail his defecation experience through the stall door in and effort to keep me posted.

By the time we left, I felt like we were probably a walking PSA for the campus. Our exit would have only been appreciated more if we had thrown out a big handful of condoms into the room upon our departure. Our herd managed to make it back to the tailgate site after much dilly-dallying ("Come ON, Piglet!) and treasure hunting ("Quit picking up trash, Piglet!), and yelling ("Watch out for cars!!"). Both boys played hard and passed out on the way home.

For those who don't have kids, this is a recipe for disaster. A 5:00 nap will ruin any child's bedtime, but the one day you really don't want that to happen is the afternoon before the fall time change. While the rest of the world is enjoying their extra hour of sleep, children still wake up at their regular time. Therefore, for the rest of the week, what used to be a 7:30am wake up time will now take place at 6:30 in my house. So, instead of getting an extra hour of sleep, we will get an extra hour of day on Sunday, in which to entertain two boys, cranky from a lack of sleep. Does the irony kill you? Because I am extra amused.

You pick.

What'd you do today? I'm sitting here, ready to bloggity and - nothing! I have no idea what I did today. I started walking through my day and it seems like I did a lot, but not one thing blog worthy. So, what is the appropriate thing to do? I'm going to need your opinions. Because before I even write this, I can tell you that my day was as boring as snot (actually, that's a terribly simile because snot is terribly interesting and somewhat amusing, and sometimes even destructive). Are you ready to judge? Here are your choices: don't write or write about boring day.

Ahem.

Began day with Piglet waking me up at 7:03am bringing his STUPID RATTLE BEAR to the bathroom with him. This racket also awakened Pigpen. Piglet has been long forbidden to bring this insanely loud bear out of his room, so the bear found itself in time out isolation atop the fridge for two days. Day begins.

Pigpen's big boy furniture is supposed to be delivered today. They were supposed to call me yesterday with delivery time. Did they? Um, NO. I had to call them at 8:30am. The gentleman on the phone told me my window was 11-3. I told the gentleman that there could not be a worse time for the delivery of a toddler's new furniture. He did not care. Man had already left in truck. Blast.

I took advantage of my 9-11 free time by - what? Oh, yes. Walking on foot in 40 degree weather with both boys and dog to hand deliver boxes of pancake mix to the mailboxes of neighbors who responded with interest on Facebook to my pancake surplus plea. Bad, bad, bad idea. Pigpen cried the whole time and walked with his arms out like the kid from A Christmas Story because apparently, his coat, which was Piglet's, did not get a lot of use in Texas.

Anyhoo....Pigpen got tired, Piglet got to wandering, and Gus got downright vagrant, so we headed home to finish the errand in the car. I chatted up two friends and drove past the same woman walking the neighborhood enough times to make her think I was a pedophile. I went to the bank! And deposited a check! Isn't that exciting?? 

Then, then! I came home and awaited the furniture. Waaaaaahoo. Lemme tell you. While I did, the boys played in the yard and I called Blue Cross Blue Shield. This would have been fine and good if Pigpen hadn't turned the hose on himself in aforementioned 40 degree weather. Soaked winter coat, soaked pants, soaked shoes. Fantastic. And? The worst part was that I had to chastise them in a nice voice because I had an insurance company on the horn who could have zapped CPS on my tail. Oh, the wrath.

Found out we're still not at our deductible for the year on insurance. $371 to go. SIGH. Pigpen met his individual deductible months and months ago. Bygones. And again, uninteresting, sorry. I will continue. Where were we? Oh! Wet children not being beaten.

Of course just as I was about to prepare lunch, the furniture truck shows up and I have to meet them at the door straight up redneck with a Pigpen on my hip wearing only a diaper and a Piglet in the background having dressed himself in camo shorts. The furniture was installed in the Big Boy Room amid much oohing and ahhing over the drill and screws. Check. Lunch was next. Check. (And, yes I DID feed my kid Rotel dip left over from last Saturday's Halloween party, thankyouverymuch. Waste not, want not, people.)

Kids to bed for one nap and one quiet time. I cleaned up the house, paid bills, and couponed a bit for sport. Mr. Pigs home. Boys are awake. You know what that means? Time for Friday afternoon haircuts, white trash style....stool, old drop cloth, and nekkid. First Piglet, then Pigpen, then Mr. Pigs and ship them all into the shower together whilst I clean up. Zip, zap, just saved $45.

Snacks, basement playtime, and a refi on the house. Kids' dinner, baths and bedtimes. Sushi for dinner and packing up for Clemson early in the COLD, COLD, COLD morning. And that, my friends, is my crazy-excited existence. So you vote. Worth it? Or shoulda just gone on to bed? You judge.

**And by the way? I've been blogging an AWFUL LOT lately. Has no one been remotely impressed? I  blame Mommyprof.

Come on. Everyone's doing it.

Today is Mega Swagbucks Day at Swagbucks.com! (Okay, every Friday is, but cool, right?)  Search like you always do on Google or whatever, and you can win da big moneys starting at 20 Swag Bucks and up. Have you seriously not signed up yet? Even after all my pushiness? SIGH.  Join here, please. (you get 30 swagbucks when you sign up) Remember the best part is you can get a $5 Amazon.com gift card with only 450 Swagbucks. Hello, Christmas??? (No offense to friends and family, but yes, your gifts are quite possibly being purchased with Swagbucks this year.)

That is all.

Hard work unnoticed.

Me: [mopping kitchen]

Piglet: PIGPEN!! MOM B AND POP B ARE COMING!!!!

Me: What? No they aren't!

Piglet: [gestures at mop] But? But, I thought?

Me: Oh, come ON. I mop more than when people visit.


Honestly.

Boo!

Halloween is over! Not that I have anything against Halloween, but there was just waaaay too much going on this year. I agreed to help plan the Halloween block party a while back, which turned out to be a lot more work that I had orginally bargained for. 172 people, a DJ, a chili cook off, and copious arguments over port-a-johns, to wear or not to wear kids' costumes, chili cook off voting rules and prizes, a scavenger hunt to plan, hide and orchestrate only graze the surface in the category of Unnecessary Drama around this 'hood. The proudest party moment was definitely the cops showing up at 7:40pm with a noise violation. I feel like that means I did a good job.

Then I had to make a costume for Pigpen because he decided he wanted to be a Clemson basketball player, something that doesn't really exist in a 2T. Okay, an 18-24 month. This poor child will never wear proper clothing. Piglet declared himself a tiger a long time ago, thus making my life easy for a change, especially after I found him a $60 costume on sale on Amazon for $12.99 with free shipping. Yes, please! Here's the gratuitous cuteness:

What entertains me the most about this picture isn't the make you gag adorable-ness of the kids (clearly.) or the Head Wound Harry look that Pigpen's sweatband gave him, it's the expression on the boys' friend Peanut's face. She stood there, angelic and smiling - and STILL! - for, oh....359 pictures or so. My kids? Look different in every picture, and not in a good posing, America's Next Top Model kind of way. More in an ADHD crackpot, spastic boy kind of way. In the above shot, they were supposed to be standing in a tidy row, smiling. Like this: 

Of course, that one only took 300 shots to capture my two standing vaguely where they are supposed to, but note Angelic Girl Child still in appropriate formation, as requested. Then, of course, Pigpen has to turn on the charm and chat up his Peanut. This is a classic How YOU doin' kind of shot.



Please be sure to note the homemade basketball collection bag that I sewed up for Pigpen just hours before take off, post-Halloween party planning so that he would have something in the basketball family upon his costume that I wouldn't have to chase down the street when he dropped it. Clever, right?

Also clever, the coordination of costumes. For those not regionally aware....Clemson and Auburn are both tigers, so Piglet was the tie of the trio. Dig it?? Okay, enough about the costumes.

I forgot to mention that my in-laws came for a visit amid all this chaos. So, I baked my father in law a chocolate mousse birthday cake in addition to the food I cooked for the party. Think: massive bowl of chopped onions, pot of chili (I got second place, yes, I did!), platter of ham/cheese gooey delicious sandwiches, vat of Rotel/cream cheese/cheddar/sausage heart attack dip, and assorted other random items. The kitchen was a disaster, but the food was deliciousness. Oh, and of course the carving of the pumpkin and the roasting of the seeds. Then I stopped cooking and went trick or treating.

Hence, my general fatigue. On that note, I crash. Also? There's no school today or tomorrow, just to mess with my head a litte. AWESOME.