Quick, someone call CPS!

I know this person who was so tired when she changed her Piglet's kid's diaper that when she folded the dirty poopy one under him, she forgot about it, put the new one on and zipped him back up into his jammies. She found it on the next change. Can you believe??

The Highlights

*Today Piglet rolled over front to back, so now he can do both. He is a champion.

*I bought several new shirts in my new boobalicious size at Old Navy.

*Last night, we went out to eat in a restaurant for the first time in five weeks. We took Piglet and he behaved like a fine young man. I proudly wore my new Old Navy long sleeved t-shirt that fits me.

*I arrived home last night to find that I had indeed also worn the long skinny sticker upon said new shirt that proclaimed it to be a SIZE M LONG SLEEVED item to the restaurant. I decided I was happy that it didn't have puke on it and got over it quickly.

*I find it ironic that in order to help Piglet have less tummy troubles, I am eating white bread, corn dogs, Chex Mix, scads of meat, and no milk. It makes no sense to me as it seems like this combination should give me tummy troubles. Good thing for vitamins.

*Lastly, if anyone has any easy, yet classy, bridal shower food ideas for me I'd be most appreciative. I'm specifically looking for something I can make a day or two ahead and will look kinda fancy, but not be. Clear as mud, right? So no pigs in a blanket or nachos or anything. Get back to me on that.

They all rolled over and one fell off...

Watch what I did today!

I Think Too Much

When one spends this much time in the house without other adults around, one starts to pay attention to strange phenomenon. Just this week, I've recognized something that I've done my whole life, just never paid much attention to: I get ready for the day as though my house is about to burn down.

Everything is prioritized from the time I get out of the shower. If the house was to burn down right now, what would I want to have done before I race outside to safety? Clearly, undergarments are key. Panties come first because somehow covering up the southside takes priority over boobies. Next is bra. From there, I have to make some judgment calls. Generally, leg lotion and pants come next. Deodorant follows, then teeth brushing, then shirt. If I put my shirt on first, I get toothpaste on it. Once all the unmentionables are covered and dressed comes the beautification part.

What is priority? Eyebrow plucking? Make up? Jewelry? Hair dried? Well, let me explain it to you. Assuming there is about to be a three alarm fire breaking out, here's how it shakes out: First, brush out the hair so it's at least civilized looking, though wet. How would you like to be stuck outside among a bunch of firemen and neighbors with mangy towel head? Next, foundation. The face should look smooth and fresh, even if not made up. Cover blemishes and move on. At this point, I have a debate with myself: pluck the stray eyebrows or dry the hair before it gets all wonky? This dilemma is a tough call because the hair is usually reaching the Critical Stage where it's about to turn all wavy, but the eyebrows? Come on, remember about the firemen and the neighbors. You can't be unplucked. Hair can be straightened at a later stage. Generally the eyebrow plucking commences here, followed by the drying of the hair.

Here comes the Pick a Path part of the game: If the hair is relatively straight from the drying, then makeup comes next, but if the waves got wonky from too much eyebrow plucking, then the hair must be straightened before the makeup application. Let's face it: firemen aren't going to want to see a made up face and wonky hair. It just doesn't make sense. Within the makeup category, the ranking is as follows: powder, chapstick, blush, eyeliner. Mascara if I'm going to work or someplace nice, but here we are just talking your standard three alarm fire.

The whole process is wrapped up with some standard hair straightening, socks, shoes, and jewelry. Jewelry is the final touch on the way out the door to grab the baby and the dog and go wait safely on the sidewalk for the fire truck to arrive.

On a scale of one to ten, how strange is this thought process?

Inopportune leaflet

Do you ever wonder where those word strings come from on the random junk email you get? I am clueless about the point of those. If anyone knows, please enlighten me.

Piglet's a month old today. To celebrate, he gets to go to the doctor! Poor kid. I can't believe it's already been a month! That went by fast. It could be the sleep deprived fog I've been moving in, or maybe the feedings every three hours that have made the time fly by. Who knows? Perhaps it's the lack of food. If you look online about things that you eat that could be bothering a baby's stomach, you will come to the conclusion that you are to subsist solely on poultry and rice. Gone are the days of dairy, chocolate, caffeine, green veggies, spicy foods, peants, or wheat. Gone, gone, gone. I'm only doing the first five right now. Wheat and peanuts have to wait until I see if this makes a difference.

What else? It's turned cooler and I've realized that I don't have clothes appropriate for being around the house in cooler weather. Unless I want to sit around nursing and doing laundry in dress pants, heels, and a button up blouse, I've got to get myself to an Old Navy, stat.

This summer has really taught me to appreciate rainy days. They are so luxurious and relaxed. It's supposed to be cloudy and rainy all day today and I just want to hole up in my sweats and watch The Break Up, my current Netflix wonder. The second season of Sex and the City should be arriving shortly. I think it's important to expose the Piglet early to a character like Samantha. Completely appropriate, no? I have to watch TV while I nurse or I'll fall asleep. I'm working on mastering the art of reading while nursing, but at this point, he just has to be burped too much for that to work out. So Sex and the City it is.

Daylight savings time is this weekend! I get a bonus hour! It could not come at a more opportune time. I'm excited about Halloween too. Just to sit on the porch and see cute costumes will be fun. I am extraordinarily vexed about the lack of fun size Reese's Pieces on the shelves of stores, though! I found them at my ghetto grocery and haven't been able to locate them anywhere else since then! All candy has chocolate on it except those and I love, love them. I have to buy the fun packs because I have no self control. If I bought the big bag, I'd eat the big bag. What kid wouldn't want Reese's Pieces in their Halloween bucket?

Speaking of buckets, I remember one Halloween in Ohio when I was about ten. It was important in Ohio to come up with a costume with which you could also wear a coat. This particular year, I dressed as a birthday present. My costume was a large wrapped box with a hole on top for my head and I think a ribbon on my head. Don't remember. The important part was that I truly thought I was so supercool because I could store my loot on the inside box flaps of my costume. Then I ruined my cool factor when my glasses fogged up everytime I got near someone's front door and the heat hit my cold glasses. Bummer.

Time to move on. Laundry and dishes await. Ooh la la! You envy my glamourous lifestyle, I can sense it.

Football Woe. Just The One Woe.

I may be setting women back 30 years by saying this, but I am really annoyed by the new blatant use of women on the sidelines of football games. One station did it a couple years ago, and all of a sudden every single college football game has a "lady" down on the field to commentate on various aspects of the game and the status of the players.

Why does it bother me? I can't figure it out. It just seems too obvious or something. If it was sometimes a man, maybe I wouldn't be troubled, but it's like they're just putting women there to give men something else to ogle at. But then I get confused because some of those women really aren't lookers. It's all very complicated to me.

Corn Dogs Rock

You know what I love about nursing? That I get to eat like a construction worker. I eat 5-6 full meals a day and I'm starving all the time. I'll eat a turkey sandwich, fruit, and chips, then an hour later devour a corndog and some candy. It's fabulous. And I'm putting mayonnaise all over everything. Oh, how I love mayonnaise. I used to dip my fries in mayonnaise until I learned about fat and cholesterol. Bygones.

I just tried on the bridemaid dress that I am going to wear on December 9th and felt very glamorous and superfoxy. It's chocolate brown and satiny-swirly and fitted through the hips and traily in the back. Really, really pretty. Being pregnant, I finally grew me some hips and in the dress? I have curves! Oh, yeah! Bye bye boyish figure! I'm pretty pumped about this wedding now, I'm only stumped on the shoes. December late afternoon/early evening Texas wedding (5 or 6, I think?), chocolate brown dress. What should I wear for shoes? I will accept any suggestions, as it is being left up to us.

Piglet is doing well. He's finally starting to gain some weight, though still not up to birth weight. The doctor has us supplementing with an extra ounce of either breastmilk or formula from the bottle after each feeding and I really think it's helping. He gets weighed again on Friday. I love the lactation consultant at the hospital, she's so nice and helpful about this weight gain business. I like her a lot, but I think it's funnier to call her a Nipple Nazi like my friend does. Heh. It is a rather strange profession to enter. I can't imagine fiddling with people's boobies all day, but I guess when you feel strongly about getting people to nurse, go for it.

What else, what else? I'm giving a bridal shower in a couple of weeks by myself and I can't decide what to do for food or games. And I guess I need to order a cake. (I always pronounce cake like Frank from Father of the Bride when it's related to a wedding.) I wish someone else was doing the shower with me, but alas. Punch? That's easy. Cake is the sweet thing, so maybe a dip? Some veggies? Fruit? I'd like it to be simple, but nice. Ideas also welcome here. I hate games. I'm really bad at that part. I got the invitations and even addressed them today during a Piglet nap. (Go me!) I haven't done any housework, but what's a Pig to do? I had to eat a corn dog.

I suppose I should wrap it up here. I'm trying to keep up with my posting, despite the fact that I don't have a lot to write about without being extremely repetitive. I need to be like Harriet the Spy and keep a notebook with me at all times to jot down ideas to write about. Thoughts from today might include the eight (8) poop blowouts that Piglet had, including one that left me having to wash the entire bouncy seat cover or the fantabulous, massive, earth shaking BURP! that exploded from Piglet's mouth into his dad's face a little while ago and left us both rolling on the floor in hysterics for about 5 minutes. (after Piglet was placed safely in his crib, of course.) So I'll get on that notebook idea. In the meantime, I'll try not to bore you with my endless ramblings....ta ta for now!

(Picture of the day: Post Bath Sweet Baby Coma. Can you smell the baby smell?)

Shameless Plugs

Since I'm apparently becoming one of those people who has nothing better to talk about than poop and spit up, I might as well sprinkle in some darn cute photography of what I look at all day.

Here we are featuring the "Got some more milk for me, great and powerful Dairy Queen?" face:

And below we have the well-known "I'm finally done eating, please let me succumb to my milk coma" face. Who could resist?

Do you think I'm doing irreversible damage to his vision with the flash? Hmmm.

Oh, the Irony....

Remember about three weeks ago, I spent all those days nesting away cooking meals for me to heat up after the baby was born? All of them? Involve cheese.
Taking dairy away from me is like Chinese water torture. I can't function without milk and cheese. It's taunting me everytime I go in the fridge. Thanks for all the suggestions. I healthfully added frozen corn dogs to the list too.

Say, what if....

If one was told to cut out dairy from their diet and one was sick to death of sandwiches for meals, what are some new ideas for one to eat?

Countdown.

How is it that there are some people in this world (in-laws! COUGH!) who completely disrespect your requests with your baby?

If one says, "The baby has reflux. Please keep him upright after he eats", should one expect to enter a room and find the baby across someone's knees on his stomach being bounced?

If one says, "Piglet is really overstimulated [Pigs kindly does not mention that he is overstimulated for the millionth time from being held and jiggled and having rattles waved in his face], would you like to rock him in the glider? It soothes him", should one expect to hear the mobile, a womb sounds teddy bear, and a rattle through the monitors? SHOULD ONE?!

Recovering from a c-section? Not too bad.
Waxing my legs? Bad.
Being pregnant? Much worse.
Getting my house back tomorrow? Priceless.

VURP!

Turns out my little vurper has the reflux. He got to do a GI scan thinger today and we watched the barium vurp right back up his little esophogus, so we will be trying some medications to help him keep the good down. He's supposed to be back to birthweight today, but he's still a pound under despite his voracious eating and masterful sucking skillz. Just so you know.

Now I'm going to take a nap.

Update

So! This parenting business? Never boring. I apologize for my sorry lack of posting, but I'm thinking people will understand. The piglet is living up to his name, eating often and with great enthusiasm. His gifts thus far include a powerful ability to bob his huge head around like a bird with his mouth gaping open, rooting on anyone who is holding him and making a little "O" shape with his mouth when he focuses on something new and interesting.

My favorite baby products so far include the sleep positioner, since he can roll onto his side and insists on sleeping that way, the Pack N Play which allows the munchkin to be in our room at night, and the Pampers Swaddlers, the newborn diaper that contains his impressive fecal blowouts.

You know I'm loving all of the potty humor. This kid may not look like me, but he has my sense of gas. I almost tore my staples out laughing at his little (big) poots and squirty mustard poops. Then he'll look up at me and belch like a sailor. That's my boy!

Now if we can just solve this spit up problem, I'll be happy. Here's where your comments might be helpful if you have any advice. Piglet likes to eat. A lot. He's feeding every 2.5-3 hours or so, sometimes 4 at night. The problem is that he spits up it seems like half of what he eats. I don't know if he's just being a glutton and that's overflow? He's nursing for about 20 minutes at a time, down from an hour a week ago. Clearly, he's gotten better at it. Also, between 11 and 2am each night, he is just not a big fan of the sleep. He eats usually between 10:30 and 11:30, then just can't settle down and gets lots of burps and tummy pains. I've tried Mylicon drops, but haven't seen much difference. Any ideas? It's not horrific, just something I would like to correct if I'm missing something obvious. Gracias.

Dear Internet,

I'm not real sure what's happened here, but it seems that an alien has invaded my home. My days used to be easy....lie on the chair, lie on the couch, drag my anus across a rug, eat puppy chow at 6:00. That was the good life. Then it all went downhill.

It all began when Mom's tummy got so big that she ran me off the couch when that thing took over my Snuggle Spot. Then came the suitcase. Now, y'all know I hate a suitcase. Well, this one carried Mom away for FOUR DAYS. Do you know how long that is? And Dad wasn't around much either.

All of a sudden, Mom and Dad come home with this....this....squawking, squirming little creature that hogs ALL the attention. All of it! It's like I don't exist! I smelled all over that critter and I can't see what the big deal is. It seems to be pretty volatile too - you should SEE some of the stuff that's come out of that thing!

The other night? I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, trying to get in a little snuggle with Grandma who was holding the little rascal, when all of a sudden, it exploded! White stuff came shooting out of its nostrils, mouth, you name it! That stuff was everywhere! Now, normally, I like to lick up suspicious substances, but this was just too much. I hightailed it out of there, buddy. And you know the worst part? THEY THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE. If I did that, they'd moan and groan and fight over who had to clean it up.

So, internet, I know Mom comes to you for advice sometimes, so I thought I'd check in. Not like anyone's really gonna miss me anyway. And I've been so good! No peeing, no eating stuff, nothing! I'm at my wit's end.

Awaiting your sympathies,
Gus the Beagle

Happy to not be pregnant...

Some observations thus far:

1. Ever-changing multi-colored poops are the funniest things ever. I've found a whole new level of nasty bathroom humor.

2. If you put a baby in a swing too soon after they've eaten, spit up might shoot out of both nostrils.

3. If you pull on a cord that has been previously spliced because you don't want to bend over, there will be fire and a loud popping sound. The power will go out and you will think about how there is a row of staples across your abdomen.

4. Pregnancy causes a lot of fluid. After you have the baby, it flees to your ankles and feet and sets up camp. It's very attractive.

5. Breast pumps are simultaneously the best invention ever and the most humbling product on the market. It helps if you make mourning mooing noises while you pump off your plentiful dairy.

6. Tell people that the stuff in the containers in the fridge is not coffee creamer.

7. If a baby cries and a beagle howls at the exact same time, it gets really noisy.