Dear Internet,

I'm not real sure what's happened here, but it seems that an alien has invaded my home. My days used to be easy....lie on the chair, lie on the couch, drag my anus across a rug, eat puppy chow at 6:00. That was the good life. Then it all went downhill.

It all began when Mom's tummy got so big that she ran me off the couch when that thing took over my Snuggle Spot. Then came the suitcase. Now, y'all know I hate a suitcase. Well, this one carried Mom away for FOUR DAYS. Do you know how long that is? And Dad wasn't around much either.

All of a sudden, Mom and Dad come home with this....this....squawking, squirming little creature that hogs ALL the attention. All of it! It's like I don't exist! I smelled all over that critter and I can't see what the big deal is. It seems to be pretty volatile too - you should SEE some of the stuff that's come out of that thing!

The other night? I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, trying to get in a little snuggle with Grandma who was holding the little rascal, when all of a sudden, it exploded! White stuff came shooting out of its nostrils, mouth, you name it! That stuff was everywhere! Now, normally, I like to lick up suspicious substances, but this was just too much. I hightailed it out of there, buddy. And you know the worst part? THEY THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE. If I did that, they'd moan and groan and fight over who had to clean it up.

So, internet, I know Mom comes to you for advice sometimes, so I thought I'd check in. Not like anyone's really gonna miss me anyway. And I've been so good! No peeing, no eating stuff, nothing! I'm at my wit's end.

Awaiting your sympathies,
Gus the Beagle