Thursday, October 26, 2006

I Think Too Much

When one spends this much time in the house without other adults around, one starts to pay attention to strange phenomenon. Just this week, I've recognized something that I've done my whole life, just never paid much attention to: I get ready for the day as though my house is about to burn down.

Everything is prioritized from the time I get out of the shower. If the house was to burn down right now, what would I want to have done before I race outside to safety? Clearly, undergarments are key. Panties come first because somehow covering up the southside takes priority over boobies. Next is bra. From there, I have to make some judgment calls. Generally, leg lotion and pants come next. Deodorant follows, then teeth brushing, then shirt. If I put my shirt on first, I get toothpaste on it. Once all the unmentionables are covered and dressed comes the beautification part.

What is priority? Eyebrow plucking? Make up? Jewelry? Hair dried? Well, let me explain it to you. Assuming there is about to be a three alarm fire breaking out, here's how it shakes out: First, brush out the hair so it's at least civilized looking, though wet. How would you like to be stuck outside among a bunch of firemen and neighbors with mangy towel head? Next, foundation. The face should look smooth and fresh, even if not made up. Cover blemishes and move on. At this point, I have a debate with myself: pluck the stray eyebrows or dry the hair before it gets all wonky? This dilemma is a tough call because the hair is usually reaching the Critical Stage where it's about to turn all wavy, but the eyebrows? Come on, remember about the firemen and the neighbors. You can't be unplucked. Hair can be straightened at a later stage. Generally the eyebrow plucking commences here, followed by the drying of the hair.

Here comes the Pick a Path part of the game: If the hair is relatively straight from the drying, then makeup comes next, but if the waves got wonky from too much eyebrow plucking, then the hair must be straightened before the makeup application. Let's face it: firemen aren't going to want to see a made up face and wonky hair. It just doesn't make sense. Within the makeup category, the ranking is as follows: powder, chapstick, blush, eyeliner. Mascara if I'm going to work or someplace nice, but here we are just talking your standard three alarm fire.

The whole process is wrapped up with some standard hair straightening, socks, shoes, and jewelry. Jewelry is the final touch on the way out the door to grab the baby and the dog and go wait safely on the sidewalk for the fire truck to arrive.

On a scale of one to ten, how strange is this thought process?

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