Pigs' 2006 Reads

45. Admissions, by Nancy Lieberman


44. The Autobiography of Santa Claus, by Jeff Guinn


43. Girls in Pants, The Third Summer, by Ann Brashares


42. The Second Summer of the Sisterhood, by Ann Brashares


41. Baby Laughs, by Jenny McCarthy


40. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, by Ann Brashares


39. I Know This Much Is True, by Wally Lamb


38. Mine are Spectacular, by Janice Kaplan


37. The Giver, by Lois Lowry


36. Charmed Thirds, by Megan McCafferty


35. No Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley


34. Second Helpings, by Megan McCafferty


33. The Men I Didn't Marry, by Janice Kaplan


32. Sloppy Firsts, by Megan McCafferty


31. New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding


30. The Happiest Baby on the Block, by Harvey Karp


29. Baby Proof, by Emily Giffen


28. Oh My Stars, by Lorna Landvik


27. Conversations with the Fat Girl, by Liza Palmer


26. The Street Lawyer, by John Grisham


25. Body Language, by Millie Criswell


24. Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, by Tracy Hogg


23. Everyone Else's Girl, by Megan Crane


22. Rumspringa: To Be or Not to Be Amish, by Tom Shachtman


21. On Becoming Babywise, by Gary Ezzo


20. Slightly Engaged, by Wendy Markham


19. Memoirs of a Geisha, by Arthur Golden


18. The Color Purple, by Alice Walker


17. The Botox Diaries, by Lynn Schnurnberger & Janice Kaplan


16. Wicked, by Gregory Maguire


15. The Funny Thing Is..., by Ellen Degeneres


14. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant


13. Fame, Glory, and Other Things on My To-Do List, by Janette Rallison


12. Everyone Worth Knowing, by Lauren Weisberger


11. Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown


10. The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy, by Vicki Iovine


9. The Wanderer, by Sharon Creech


8. Diary of a Mad Mom-To_Be, by Laura Wolf


7. Prep, by Curtis Sittenfeld


6. The DaVinci Code, by Dan Brown


5. Goodnight Nobody, by Jennifer Weiner


4. Pledged, by Alexandra Robbins


3. The Undomestic Goddess, by Sophie Kinsella


2. Something Blue, by Emily Giffin


1. Running With Scissors, A Memoir, by Augusten Burroughs

2006: The Breakdown

1 pregnancy

2 jobs

1 delightful resignation

10 11 friends who had babies

2 tennis seasons played

9 games of Bunco

3 haircuts

40 days spent at the pool

1 vacation

2 weddings

6 baby showers

1 book club joined

6 houseguests

45 books read

46 Netflix movies watched

4 flights home

2 angry letters sent to American Airlines

27 trips to the doctor

1 Piglet

Filter

I can't remember if I've talked about my grandmother on here before. She's 96 and a half years old and quite the entertainer. About fifteen years ago, she took a fall and damaged the part of her brain that tells her what's appropriate and inappropriate to say (her filter) and has been wide open ever since. She lives in an assisted living memory care facility and once told one of the nurses that she was her very favorite nurse because of her very dark black skin which proved that she hadn't been "mixed". For real. My mom wanted to sink through the floor.

Each holiday, we look forward to seeing who she will target this year. Currently, she thinks that Piglet is my mom's baby and that my aunt is married to her son-in-law and has left my uncle who she's been married to for 40 years. All of this because my mom was holding Piglet and my aunt sat beside her son-in-law at dinner once.

Two of my favorite interactions from Christmas Day:

Me: [conversationally] What's wrong? You look really bored!
Grandmother: Well, you look really fat!
Me: Thanks.

Mom: Mom, do you know whose baby that is? [points to Piglet]
Grandmother: [studies Piglet] Yours.
Mom: No, I'm too old to have babies. That's Pigs' baby.
Grandmother: Well, you could. You're just too lazy!

You might be white trash if....

You have to pull over off of a highway exit ramp to breastfeed in the parking lot of a K&W Cafeteria on Christmas night. It might get worse if you have to change a poopy diaper/outfit in your lap and then lay it on the ground outside the vehicle because it smells too bad to keep in the car. Then there's what happens when you cruise over to the K&W dumpster to dispose of the dirty diaper while continuing to nurse your now naked child and your husband gets the urge to urinate and does so behind said dumpsters. Then you must proceed nonchalantly to your next family event in a classy manner as though nothing out of the ordinary has occurred.

Not me, of course. Just someone I know.

Guest Room Encroachment, A Survey

We made it! After taking all of the advice from my comments, we had a very uneventful flight with Piglet. I think my favorite piece of advice was the one about safety pinning a blanket to the seat so there was no danger of boob flashage. I had debated just giving him a bottle instead of fooling with nursing, but it was just so much easier to whip it out (under the blanket now!) and feed. He slept the whole time in between, partially due I'm sure to his drug cocktail of Tylenol and Benadryl that the doctor recommended due to his ear infection. Score!

Upon arrival to the in-laws, he was promptly presented with a loud, colorful, overstimulating toy designed for six month olds that is continually waved in his face singing various songs until he cries. It's really good times all around.

While we're on that subject, I have a question. I know my opinion, but I'm trying to figure out what the societal standards are on this topic: When someone stays at your house and uses your guest room, what boundries should then be in place? I mean, it's your house, and therefore you own the room being that it's in said house, but then you've provided it to your guest for their use. So who has exclusive rights to the room? Should the guests be allowed full private use of the room, or should you be allowed to enter at will, as the owner of the home? Do the rules change depending on your relationship with the user(s) of the room? Is the fact that a crib is in the room of any relevance? I would truly love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Will disclose my opinion after reading yourn.

Bah, humbug.

Remember the house with the silk flowers stuck in their flower beds this summer? I think this is the same house. Do illuminated palm trees really say happy holidays? Do they? Airplanes could land in my neighborhood. I bet people think Scrooge lives in my house.

Nyah, Nyah....

So, I took rattln along's advice from my comments in my American Airlines post and not only mailed my letter to American, but also emailed a copy to the Department of Transportation's complaint department. Booyah! I'm such a tattletale. I received this email from AA this morning....

December 18, 2006

Dear Ms. Pigs:

Through the courtesy of the Department of Transportation, I've received a copy of the complaint you filed with them. I'm very pleased to be given this opportunity to respond. From the comments you provided, it seems as if we need some improvement in the area of reservations.

Our reservations agents should make every effort to provide our customers with correct information and I'm sorry we didn't do so when you called us and asked about using your voucher toward the purchase of a ticket. From what I understand, it's necessary for you to send in the entire voucher (both pages). I hope this will be helpful for you in the future.

I have checked the voucher and, as you know, it has not been used toward the purchase of a ticket. With that in mind, I've voided the voucher and have issued another one. Since you incurred so many problems trying to use the voucher, I've increased the amount. It may be used toward the purchase of a ticket for future travel on American, American Eagle, American Connection or an airline in our oneworld alliance. The redemption ofthe voucher and subsequent ticketing must be handled by American Airlines' personnel. Certain restrictions apply when using this voucher toward a oneworld itinerary. In addition, the voucher is valid for one year from the date of issue. You can expect to receive it within a week to 10 days via the U.S. Mail.

More than ever before, Ms. Pigs, superior service is the key element for success in a competitive environment. I am sorry we failed to demonstrate this commitment. Please travel with us again; I know we can do better.

Sincerely,
Barbara J. Russell
Customer Relations
American Airlines

Manual Rectal Stimulation

***Now updated with vital follow-up information!***

It's been a long time since I've pontificated on the wonder that is poop. I've been thinking a lot about poop lately, as Piglet has gone on a six day poopie strike. I know it's in there, I know it's coming, and I have a strong suspicion what it's going to smell like. My suspicion stems from the raunchiness of what rips out of Piglet's tail about every ten minutes. It's like hanging out with a sewage treatment plant. What used to be sweet fluffy laughable little poots, can now only be described as Big Hairy Man Farts. (Sorry, mom, but there's genuinely no other word that applies here.) (To the rest of you, we aren't allowed to say that word in our house.) They are vicious and nasty.

Being thoroughly interested in poop as only I can be, I consulted with friends, nurses, and the local pharmacist. The consensus was that the dook needs to come out. The methods varied, but the one I am going to attempt this evening involves glycerin suppositories and a controlled environment. My favorite suggestion I got was this: "Have you considered manual rectal stimulation?" Um, no. I have not.

Update to follow....I know you're waiting eagerly.


The next day....

I had to sleep on it before I could publish the results of our experiment. The pharmacist had given me very specific warnings based on his own experience and told me that "It" would happen within about three minutes and that sometimes you had time to get a diaper on them before the explosion. I was ready.

I lined the changing table, donned old clothing, and stood, poised and ready, finger in the insert position. I inserted. Like rapid fire, I diapered, I taped, and I stood back. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I grew bored. I put another diaper on top of the first to contain the certain inevitable explosion. Waiting. Waiting. I looked at the clock. Five minutes had passed. I was officially bored and, let's face it, kind of disappointed. This was the kind of thing I live for. I went for the thermometer, unwrapped the layers of diapers and went spelunking. Poke, poke. Nothing. Nothing! Well, nothing but a highly annoyed, slightly violated baby.

Piglet was crying and hungry, so I carefully swaddled him in his diaper layers, protective liner and a lap pad and went to feed him. An hour later, still no action from his dirty south. By this point, I had decided that his dook was clearly of an advanced state not to be matched by this gentle suppository. The bottle said it would work in fiften minutes to an hour. Ninety minutes later found Piglet happily nestled in daddy's lap and mommy writing the top part of this post. I was starving and we couldn't go out to dinner until that poo showed itself. Just at the conclusion of the post, I heard urgent cries from the family room:

Mike: AAAAAAAUGH! The smell! The smell! We have action! PIGS!!!!

Me: [rushing to the site] Is he pooping? Is there poop? Lemme see the poop.

Piglet: gurgle, gurgle

Mike: Oh! The smell! Smell it! It's nasty!! Baby, it's bad. It's BAD! [desperate, frightened look in his eyes]

Me: [giggling] I see it! Look! It's oozing out the leg! It's like a poop milkshake! Check it out! [run to get camera]

Mike: You can't take pictures, you sicko!

Piglet: [noise of glee]

The cleanup took a good twenty minutes and involved half a box of wipes, the sullying of everything on the changing table, three or four audible gags from Mike, and a bath for Piglet. After all that, I was ready for dinner and a beer.

Dear American Airlines (again),

As a loyal American Airlines passenger, I have been sorely disappointed in the customer service provided to me over the last several months. Below, you will find my initial letter of complaint regarding an incident in the Piedmont Triad International Airport in August. My complaint was quickly resolved with the issuance of a voucher valued at one hundred dollars.

On November 28, 2006, I booked a flight for December 21 using the voucher. I called American to make my reservation and carefully followed the instructions of the customer service representative. She instructed me which part of the voucher to send in and how to address the envelope and return address. The voucher I received had a front page with my name and address, a sheet of carbon, and then a back page with all of the voucher information, including the value. This back page was the page she instructed me to mail in, along with the flight and passenger information for which I was using the voucher recorded on the outside of my envelope.

Today, December 12, I was surprised to receive a phone call from American Airlines indicating that this ticket had not actually been booked yet. I was told that I did not send in the correct page of my voucher, that there were three pages, and I had sent in the incorrect page. Firstly, I only received two pages, one of which only contained my name and address, information which was also on the back page. Secondly, I followed the explicit directions of the customer service representative. Thirdly, due to the late booking by American of this ticket, the flight is now overbooked and this ticket does not have a seat on the flight.

I was then told that I could not have the reserved ticket unless I put the one hundred dollars on my credit card. I was also told that I would then be foregoing the use of the one hundred dollar voucher, since I could not produce the correct page of it, a page I had never received to begin with. I was asked if perhaps I had used the voucher already and merely forgotten its use. I assured the representative that this was not the case, as I had only just received the voucher in September and had not traveled since the prior incident, which could be verified using my AAdvantage number.

My level of frustration has reached new proportions with this latest development. As this flight is my way home to my family for Christmas, I had no choice but to pay the one hundred dollars. The voucher was part of the reason that I decided to fly home instead of drive this year, as it would save money. I am very hesitant to book another American Airlines flight again. This incident makes twice that I feel I have not been treated with the basic respect a customer deserves. I do not understand how something as simple as a voucher cannot be user-friendly without these seemingly unnecessary complications. For example, it seems that American Airlines would be able to know which vouchers have been used by the number assigned to each voucher. There should be a simple system in place (a computer?) which could cross-reference used and unused numbers.

After following the explicit directions of the customer sales representative, I do not know what I could have done differently to achieve my simple goal of using the voucher. I only received two pages connected by a carbon in the middle. I cannot produce a third page which I did not receive. The paper I returned had all the necessary information listed on it, and yet I am still paying an additional one hundred dollars for a flight I would not have taken without the voucher.

Upon receipt of this letter, I expect that I will receive an explanation for this experience, my one hundred dollar voucher re-issued to me, a seat on the flight which I was told had been booked two weeks ago, and further compensation for this inconvenience during the holiday season, a time when money is already tight. Living in north Texas, I often encourage my visitors to fly American due to the ease and vast availability of flights into DFW, but I am now questioning the continuation of this practice.

I look forward to your response.

Thank you,
Pigs

Festive

Piglet and I have just returned from our weekly jaunt to the grocery store. He is totally happy as long as the cart is moving and rolling. Dare I stop to analyze the prices and my anal-retentive nature is so prone to doing, heaven help me. I compensate by dancing around and jigging the cart while I price compare. I always wind up getting the Kroger brand anyway, but sometimes, just sometimes, a coupon doubled can beat out their price. I've got to get a life.
I have to bring a dessert to Bunco tonight, so I decided to be crafty and copy this thingadoo I saw in a magazine: holiday brownies. Somehow, though, my icing came out to be Easter colors instead of red and green and my candy cane pieces got smashed to smithereens in my food processor, so I'm not really sure how those babies are going to turn out.

In other news, it's supposed to be 70 degrees here for at least the next seven days. I have the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit when I'm wearing a t-shirt and have the windows open. I shouldn't complain, but it just doesn't seem festive. It probably doesn't help that I decided not to decorate this year. It's just too much work and I don't have time to chase Gus down everytime he gets an ornament or go rescue him from electrocution everytime he gnaws on the light cords. I just don't have that kind of time and we travel anyway. We have decided to forgo the eighteen hour drive home and just fly, so if anyone has advice on flying with a 3 month old, please share.

....and to all a good night!

My Christmas gift has come early this year. I thought that all I wanted for Christmas was a new dryer, but no, no! What I got this weekend is much, much better. Think of the best thing in the world that you can dream of. Now add a cherry on top. And some cheese. And ten thousand dollars. This is even better than that.

After ten weeks of waking up all freakish hours of the night and enduring my husband's incoherent babblings and false alarms, after a couple of months of watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch series twice each night, after stumbling bleary-eyed to the crib multiple times every night.....Piglet has at last slept through the night. [applause, cheers, and varying catcalls] Thus far, he has slept until 5am on Saturday morning and 6am this morning.

In honor of this occasion, my early Christmas blessing, I will publish our Christmas card picture that has generated much positive press on my answering machine as it was received by family and friends. I present to you......Holiday Piglet:

Since he's decided to sleep, we've in turn elected to keep him after all. Merry Christmas to all....and to all a good night!

Born freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I've been given back my cheese privileges! It seems that since Piglet is tolerating regular formula as his supplement just fine, that he is not likely to have a dairy sensitivity. (Pause for happy dance......everybody now!) All hail cheese!

There has also been a theory put out there that perhaps my sudden Dairy Ban could be the reason for my sudden Creepy Colic. With dairy being an acid neutralizer, its sudden absence may have been noticed by my body after eight (long, painful) weeks. I'm on board with this theory. If you have any reason to doubt it, please share.

The aforementioned wedding is this weekend. While I am very excited for the bride and groom, I am bummed that I have to miss out on a lot of the events because of lack of babysitters or inability to feed/pump for Piglet, etc. It's all just very complicated with a ten week old baby. However, I did find shoes (brown pumps) and my dress was altered and does fit, so that's something. I'm having my hair blown out professionally on Saturday morning and I'm going to ask them to remove all the spit up from my locks in honor of the wedding pictures. I've been trying for three days now to do my nails, but I can't seem to find a time that doesn't involve ruining them in some way, so I guess tonight is going to have to be The Night. We shall see.

Piglet's up! Gotta run....

The Cruelty of Sleep Deprivation

Setting: Wee morning hours, my bedroom.

Characters: Me, Mike, and Piglet

Piglet: Waaaaaah! Waaaaaah! Waaaaaah!

Me: [poke Mike aggressively in back] What time is it?

Mike: Six thirty.

Me: WHOOP! Are you serious! Hey! Hey! He slept through the night! He finally slept through the night! High five! [bouncing enthusiastically on bed]

Mike: [burrows under covers] The transportation costs will be too high. The project won't work.

Me: [pause in bouncing] Huh?

Mike: [Sits up on elbow] The transportation.....oh. Piglet's up. [shakes head]

Me: [suspicious] What time is it?

Mike: Three fifteen.

Me: [burrow under covers in fit of depression] You freakshow. Go change Piglet's diaper.

Piglet: Waaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaah!

Pondering....

Do you think Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth were friends? They have a lot in common.