Reflux may cause insanity...

Now you have to know that we're not real fancy people around here. But today, our local dry cleaner must think we're pretty darn uppity.

Last night, I was getting ready for bed when peals of laughter erupted from the closet where Mike was sorting out the dry cleaning that he had picked up. I peered inside to see what the hilarity was regarding his freshly pressed shirts, only to see this:

One of Piglet's burp rags, hanging neatly on a hanger. No creases. Light starch. A burp rag, laundered and pressed as only the finest, fanciest burp rag can be. This was fantastically funny, until I soberly checked the bill:

To discover that I had been charged $1.99 for the extravagance of laundering a burp rag?[handkerchief....snicker] A shame, but it may have been worth the laugh.

Wishing YOU a Merry Monday

Why does it vex me when people underline words preprinted in greeting cards? It's one of my biggest pet peeves. Did the American Greetings corporation not state your wishes with enough vim? Do you want to emphasize a particular aspect of the Hallmark greeting to really make it your own? Have you ever had anyone use quotation marks in this manner? This is my favorite:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I wanted to say

Happy birthday to you!

"Love you!"

Grandma

Now, you must know by now that they have underlined happy birthday once and you twice, but they had to quote/unquote their own "love you" message I suppose to indicate their voice?

Gosh, I'm snarky. You'd think I could just accept a card and move on.

Dear Mexican Restaurant,

It has now been a year and a half since your sink fell off the wall and onto my foot. I find it absurd that you have now denied my claim three times, despite the fact that your sink, um... FELL OFF THE WALL and shattered on my foot. It fell off the wall! How is that possibly not your fault?

I know the little game you're playing. You're trying to push me to take it to court. Well, Mr. Big Fancy Restaurant Insurance Company, I just might do that. I will have to fly to stinkin' Virginia to do it and you don't think I will. If I'm going to be stuck with chronic arthritis in my foot and an ugly scar and a toenail that now grows in a more adventurous manner, then you'd better bet your biscuits that I'm going to show up.

I suspect what you're going to say...."well, her medical bills weren't that high." Well, guess why? Because there's nothing they can do about fixing it. It's just going to be all weird and sore and angsty for the rest of my life. So you owe me money. Or your big toe, whichever.

Then you're going to say, "Well, it wasn't our fault that the sink wasn't attached properly by the installer." Well, then Mr. Stinkypants, you go and sue them. It's not my problem. I firmly believe that when a major porcelain fixture is a part of your establishment's bathroom, you should probably make darn sure it's going to adhere to the wall before you open for business.

So, Mr. Snootybritches, watch out. 'Cause after waiting a year and a half on your stupid paperwork and lame procedures and irritating policies, I'm ticked off. And I want your money. You owe me a bunch of interest on the money you haven't paid me for my jeans and nice shoes that were ruined, as well as fees for the tennis season I didn't get to play. So come on, you crooked insurance pansies! You want a piece of me? ROAR!

Sincerely,
Pigs

Almost the Weekend!

Green Apple Splatters

I did it! I went back to school today and it was actually really fun. It's kind of nice to be in the building, but not have any real responsibilities except....teaching! What a crazy, wacky idea. A teacher who can teach and only teach. Who knew I had to quit teaching to get this gig?

I had a lot of little brothers or sisters of kids I've taught in the past and I got a lot of "Do you remember my brother? Do you know Robby? Do you remember me in first grade?" Kids are darn cute when they aren't driving you crazy all day. And it was a nice break to be around big kids. Kids who can talk and don't spit up on me all day.

There was only one little bugger who got on my nerves. He was obviously smart, but not so much in the manners department. And I think there was something wrong with his arm, because he seemed to be unable to raise his hand. I taught a lesson on using creative similes in their writing. I shared a little kids' book that was all babyish similes just to give them the idea of what they were, and then tried to talk about why those weren't the kind they would be writing.

Me: The similes in that book were written for younger kids, so they're a little....
Obnoxious Kid: Lame?
Me: Well....yeah. For example, instead of "quick as a fox", we could try "quick as....."
Obnoxious Kid: Green apple splatters?
Me: Inappropriate.

It was at that moment that I realized just who he was. I had taught his older brother a couple years before and he had left us to attend the Very Special Private School for ADHD kids. Fabulous. But other than that, I had a good time. Even that part wasn't so bad because I knew that I could leave him and go home and have no responsibilities to his parents, the principal, his grades.....

Ahhhhh.....what a relief. Now, I return to the Poopie Strike Part Deux that is brewing in my family room.

How Do You Say?

What would you call a bridal shower that is for men and women, that is at a happy hour time, that features appetizers and drinks, that is a month before the wedding, that will involve gifts for the couple who lives out of state?
I'm trying to figure out what to call this event on the invitation without sounding like a total dork. Cocktail shower hour?

Dear Internet,

Me Gus here. A lot's been going on around here since we've talked. First things first: that baby? Still here. Seems like he might not be leaving. I kept thinking maybe this? Maybe that? Nope, nuh-uh. Let me share with you some problems I have with all this.

First, I got this blanket. It's red and real fuzzy and warm, and mom and I used to sort of share it. She'd nap with it and then leave it there for me to roll around in and sleep on. Now? She calls it the "nursing blanket" or some such nonsense and it's always on the back of the couch getting barfed on. That baby spits like a volcano. You can't even sit too close to it or you wind up with yak all up in your fur. Anyway, now when I go to use MY blanket, it never fails that baby's gotta eat and here comes mom with that screaming boy and she starts hollering, "Gus! Move! Go!" And then I have to go sit on the cold end of the couch or she sits on me... right on top of me. The cold end! Honestly. I have lost all clout.

So usually, I choose that time to go exploring. I've done right much exploring lately on account of being shipped off to the cold end and all. Oh....and! I almost forgot this part! They didn't take me home for Christmas! I got left here with a babysitter! On Christmas! I have never been treated so poorly in my life. Which is what began my exploring habit. While everyone was gone and I was right lonely, one of my babysitters left the pantry open. I like me an open pantry, now. So's I went on in there and nosed around until I found something new. Something different. Something intriguing. It looked like this:

Well! Talk about an easy open package! I'll tell you what.... I got after a couple of those bad boys. The contents? A little gritty, but a generally smooth, satisfying snack. A tasty treat, if you will. Made a bit of a mess around the house, but who am I to complain? My palate was pleasured.

So then today, things got serious. I think dad tried to kill me. I'm not lying. See, the weather around these parts has gotten real, real cold. Like below 32 degrees cold. I don't know about you, but Augustus Mortimer does not set foot outside in this type of weather. Even if it means I don't drink all day, I will not go out. Anyhoo, I tried to make it apparent by my dramatic shivering that I was cold and would like for them to turn up the heat. Instead? They pack me into some ridiculous shirt. I do not wear clothes. Makes me look like some kinda sissy lap dog. After several attempts to communicate that I was still chilled, dad turns on the fire. I LOVE me a good fire, what good dog doesn't? I was happy as a pig in mud until.....well, this is where it all starts to get a little fuzzy. I remember a lot of yelling in the background of my stumbly fog and I think I recall mom yelling something like, "The FLUE! The FLUE!" and something about natural gas, but the next thing I knew, I was getting lots of pets and I had found my way back to my beloved red, fuzzy blanket. I suspect there was a near miss as a hit was taken on my life, but lucky for me, it's all a hazy blur.

Until next time,

Gus

I'll be Durned

I usually don't do these, but I saw it on Girlfiend's page and took it myself. I was surprised at how accurate it was! While I'm technically from the South, I moved all around growing up and people always tell me I have no accent. I spent 6 years in Kentucky and 6 years in Ohio, the rest in North Carolina and Texas. Funny, huh?

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The South
Philadelphia
The Inland North
The West
The Northeast
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Flashbacks

I went to school yesterday! Back into the Pit! Yes, the same school. One would think that I'd have the sense to leave well enough alone, but I'm just going back for about a month to help out before the writing test. A mere six hours a week, no homeroom, no lesson plans, no parents, few dealings with the Crazy Principal....should be manageable.

It seems that little has changed since I left. If anything, things have worsened. In the hour or so that I was there, I saw two teachers cry, heard the principal bashed by 5 different people, and read two "constructive" notes from said principal to the teachers, one which really took the cake. This is an experienced teacher who apparently has a rather slack class. On her report card comments, she mentioned that some kids were not working up to their ability and were unmotivated, causing them to receive lower marks then they are capable of. Makes sense to me, right? She got slammed for that.

The principal told her that it was her job to motivate the students and if they weren't working up to their potential that it was entirely her fault and that she should "reconsider her educational philosophy." And then? Then? SHE ATTACHED PAMPHLETS! Pamphlets about what a good teacher's philosophy should be. Thank goodness that teacher had the good sense to laugh about it and chuck those in the trash where they belonged. It just brought it all back....so glad I don't work there anymore.

Oh, and the other part that sounds fun is that due to fear of parents, there are no longer any consequences that can be given to children that will be supported by the office. 'Dja hear that? No consequences. Oh, the humanity. I'd better bring a bag of candy with me for bribes. Oh, wait...you can't give kids candy anymore either.

Things and Stuff.

Okay, so my New Year's Blogolutions aren't going so well. I fully intended to post every other day at least, but two of the legal excuses applied: I had company and I was sick. Well, sort of. I am a firm believer in the wonder that is Zicam. Since Piglet's been born, I have successfully staved off five colds. Yes, just the five. Apparently extreme lack of sleep leaves my immune system weakened and frail. This cold I've been fighting with this past week had the unfortunate timing to coincide with my winter visit from Aunt Eddie who came to meet the Piglet. Lucky for us, we were still able to squeeze in most of our usual shopping and our sushi trip. Whew! That would have been catastrophic.

Currently, Piglet has been giving us a run for our money in the sleep department. He's a sneaky little booger....he had been sleeping through the night before Christmas, but after a week of travels, he decided that wasn't working out for him any longer and has graced us with nightly awakenings, usually at 1:30, 3:08, and 5:15am, only wanting to eat at the last awakening. I've read that travel can screw them up, as can growth spurts and something mysterious called the Four Month Sleep Regression. Sounds kinda ominous. He's 3.75 months old (to be dorkily precise), so it could be any one of those things. Lucky me! Any insight would be welcome on this topic. Here's the rub: He's a wild man, so he has to be swaddled (double swaddled, actually) to sleep at anytime. I am in no way opposed to crying it out, however when he cries for more than a minute or two he wrestles out of his swaddle and then there's definitely no sleep to be had. So what's a person to do? We are currently utilizing the pacifier and a nice walk when he wakes up. He goes back to sleep quickly, but who wants to do that??

That will be all about Piglet for now. Gus has requested use of the computer, so you may be hearing from him in the near future. His behavior has left something to be desired of late.

A Lot of People Say, "What's That? It's Pat!"

So, lively as I am these days, my New Year's Eve festivities consisted of dinner out and in bed by 10:30. That's no reason not to liven things up with inspiring conversation and good natured debate, which is just what occurred when no one at our table could agree on the gender of the person pictured below. Now, I realize that it's a poor quality camera phone shot, and I am aware that Piglet's right ear features prominently in the picture, but I'd still like to hear your opinions. The debate at dinner was never settled and it was agreed that we would leave it to the blog reading public to make the call.

Some pertinent information:

1. The person was wearing a tie.
2. My friend claims that the person was, shall we say, "chesty" in profile when he/she walked by our table.
3. The person was at first sitting beside a girl, but then the rest of their (?) family joined them.
4. The person looked somewhat alternative in dress, making the ambiguity even more challenging.

So, with those clues and this picture, go forth! Opine! Settle our debate.

New Year's Blogolutions

*To go visit the blogs of people who comment here. I used to be really good about that, then I quit teaching and sometime in the transition all the people who read my "teacher blog" fell away and things got lonely for a while. Now there are some new folks out there reading and I need to get to know them. BAH! to the quitters, I say. Who needs 'em?

*To blog at least every other day. With the exception of some weekends because they get busy. Or if I have company. Or I'm sick. Okay, this isn't a great resolution, but I'll try.

*To be sure my blog isn't entirely devoted to Piglet. While he is fascinating to me, I realize that his daily antics do not guarantee fabulous blog fodder to the average reader. Plus, I'd like to think about things other than Piglet once in a while. I think so far I've done an okay job of balancing the blog.

Loony? A Peek Into My Brain...

In honor of the New Year, I'm curious to know how other people picture a year in their minds. I'm going to attempt to describe mine:

I visualize a year in my mind as a circle. Today, New Year's Day is at the top and July 4th is at the bottom. From there, it's divided into quarters, kind of like the school year. Winter ends around the 3:00 mark and that first section is white fading to light blue. Spring break generally falls at the end of that section. From 3:00-6:00 is spring and early summer, which is light blue fading into a light, then darker green. The school year ends in the middle of that section. From July 4th (6:00) until about 9:00 is kind of dark green fading to orange-y and concludes with Halloween. At this point, I'm not sure why, but November is brown and December is red and together those two months take up the final quarter. I know it's not mathematically aligned, but it looks all even and tidy in my head.

While I'm at it, I picture a week as a straight line, with one week following right after another. Each day has a color:

Sunday - yellow
Monday - red
Tuesday - orange
Wednesday - green
Thursday - brown
Friday - black
Saturday - blue

I'm either going to come off completely loony by posting this, or we're going to see exactly how loony everyone else is too.