UNO!!!*

There is a slight chance that we may have been living in Texas for too long. Piglet seems to favor Spanish as his preferred language. This is odd for several reasons. Aside from words related to dinner, we do not speak much Spanish in the home. Though we both took high school Spanish and remember a decent amount of it, one wouldn't think that would have transferred so impressively as to embed a language preference through the womb.

Piglet has learned turn all of his toys to the Spanish settings and favors this setting exclusively. Despite his decent sized English vocabulary (Thanks, Eddie, for the nerdy language survey with which I can track the unfolding drama that is language development), he has learned the word "uno" before the word "one". But, he does know the word "two" in English. So, perhaps we'll just skip count. Uno, two, tres, four, cinco, six, etc. That would be fun for kids, right?

*To be expressed with gusto, as in "Tequila!!!"

Which ranks highest on the nasty scale?

I will give you three choices. I will not name any names.

1. Wiping boogers on the back of the rails of the bed's headboard.

2. Removing an entire toenail after an injury and placing it on the bathroom counter for sport.

3. Blowing one's nose loudly into a cloth napkin in a restaurant around others who are eating before tossing it on the table and leaving.

Are you a smart mouth?

I was completely gacked out listening to the radio this morning when I heard an advertisement for a product called SmartMouth. This invention is some sort of breath freshener that boasts "an independent review of research confirms that SmartMouth brand mouthwash provides fresh breath an astounding 12-times longer than any other mouthwash".

Well, this all sounds fine and good if you're in the market for some fresh breath, but let's think more deeply about that statement. This research? How exactly is that conducted? How far back in the unemployment line do you have to be before you accept the job of Breath Tester? I imagine a long line of sleepy bedheaded participants who swigged various types of mouthwashes the night before. Before them is a line of white-coated breath testers, poised to sniff morning mouths, pens in position to rank the foulness of each participant's skank morning breath. (Unless they were lucky enough to use SmartMouth, which prevents bad breath even overnight.)

The company is also lucky enough to retain the support and consult of Dr. Susanne Cohen, who was featured as a bad breath expert on NBC's TODAY show earlier this year. I mean, what more could you ask for? Your very own bad breath expert? This must be a superior product! So, that leaves me with more questions. In order to become a bad breath expert, what must your resume include? Is that better or worse than being a bad breath tester? I struggle to sleep at night after hearing these commercials. I simply can't turn off the old thinker.

"A Ten? Are you sure? A Ten?"*

Turns out I've gained nine pounds this month. I'm not quite sure how that happened. I only gained 23 pounds in the whole nine months with Piglet, how did I pick up nine in this one month? Nine?? Really? Better return those two tubs of Breyer's Neapolitan to Kroger. Hey! That will bring my grocery bill down to $87! Now we're talking!

*I bet no one gets this obscure movie reference. Add a hicky Southern accent to it for more accuracy.

Here she comes again...

It's been a while since I've blogged about the high I get from being cheap. I plugged the Grocery Game on here earlier in the year and a few of you signed up and gave it a whirl. But! In case you need reminding of the joy that is saving money, here's my summary from this morning's supermarket sweep.

This purchase of $93.28 purchase included, aside from my regular groceries, two Olay lotions, 4 packs of chicken breasts, 2 pounds of ground turkey, 12 double rolls of Charmin, 8 double rolls of Bounty, 2 jumbo packs of Pampers, 3 boxes of cereal, and 2 - um - gallons of Breyer's Neapolitan ice cream. Not sure how those slipped in there again.

That's right, campers! I saved $119.03 or 56%. I know half of you think I'm nuts and the other half think I have no life, but it's really worth 30 minutes of my time once a week to sit down and make this magic happen. That will be all the bragging and plugging for today. (If you'd like to sign up for the grocery game, email me at whenpigssing at yahoo dot com and I'll give you my username for referrals.) Now I'm done! Really, really. I'll leave you with my glorious scan of coupons used. I'm going to put them out of business on sheer ink usage.

Somebody has got to know the answer to this -

In the very early 90s....1990/1991 at the latest, people (sadly including me*) wore these outfits that I need to find a picture of. Let's test my descriptive abilities...

It was a one piece ensemble. Mine was a foxy denim, but there were also floral or colorful jobbies. They were sleeveless, but you wore a shirt under them, sometimes a shirt with a large collar. They often had buttons down the front and external front pockets, not unlike a clown suit. There was a "waist", but it was not in any way fitted and often involved pleats. The legs were kind of billowy down to the ankle where they tapered and had a cuff-like thing. They were like tight-rolled jeans tapered, just not big at the bottom.

We were discussing 80s and 90s fashion at dinner tonight, and of the 9 people present, only one knew what I was talking about. So, to prove that I was not hallucinating in 1990, I need to find a picture of one on the Internet. My Googling skills are apparently quite poor, as I have had no luck. I don't know what these beauts are called, so I'm stuck.

Whoever finds me a picture wins the prize! Anyone who can at least corroborate this fashion phenomenon will at least be revered.

*I would like to state for the record that I wore one because it disguised my scoliosis back brace that I was convinced people could tell I was wearing.

Butt Would Be Good

Eddie: I ate octopus tonight. I shouldn't have, though, because they're smart.

Pigs: You wouldn't eat something because of its intelligence?

Eddie: Well, no. I'd eat human. Or chimp.

Pigs: Like, if you were starving on an island?

Eddie: Or if they served it in a restaurant. You know like a novelty.

Pigs: Novelty human appetizer?

Eddie: Yeah!

Pigs: I'd want to eat thigh, I think. Or butt. Like pork butt?

Eddie: Oh, yeah - butt all the way. It's muscular, yet would have a nice marbly fat content.

Pigs: Mmmmmm....I bet butt would be good.

Eddie: Yeah. I guess that octopus was okay.

Deep and Profound

As a loyal subscriber to Us Weekly and an avid pursuer of internet gossip and trash, I have to declare that I have had it with Spencer and Heidi. Do I watch The Hills? Yes, indeedy! It's excellently staged half-true smut, perfect for entertaining someone who will have baby brain forevermore (more on this affliction another day). But I cannot take anymore press coverage of these two idiots.

Even if you don't watch the Hills, I'm sure you have been subjected to seeing Heidi's mooning plastic face adorning many a magazine cover as they try in vain to drag out their fifteen minutes of fame.

He cheats! She takes him back! They're engaged! She's got trout pout! They split up! She wants kids! She got her boobs done! She's very religious! How about a nose job? She's naked in Maxim! They've shot a terrible video! He cheated again! Etc.

It might be one thing if they were the main characters in the TV show, but they are at best clinging to the sidelines of the show because of how much people like to hate them. It's so obviously fake and forged and cheesy. Gah! Her job isn't even real! And no one is going to look at these ridiculous pictures supposedly "caught" by the paparazzi of them on Valentine's Day and tell me these aren't staged.

I'm just really tired of seeing them. It appears that they really believe that people care and that they are celebrities. On Pigs' scale of celebrity importance, I'm going to place them just below Coral and Beth, the 40somethings who are still participating in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Below them.

I am aware that I am probably making the hoopla surrounding them worse by talking about it, but I had to say it. It turns my stomach every time I see her fake, sad, moony-eyed face lamenting the loser that is Spencer. Spencer Pratt, who is riding Heidi as far along the Hollywood path as she can take him while she clings desperately to the coattails of The Hills. Spencer looks like Jim Carrey in The Mask. Perhaps instead of buying Heidi scads of plastic surgery, he should look into getting himself a lip.

I believe I have spewed enough negative commentary upon two morons who really don't deserve the blog space, but it was kind of satisfying to put out there. Happy Friday!

Posts about weather are extremely boring and old-man-like.

But I have to do it! I can't hold it in any longer! I am OUTRAGED! Appalled! Aghast! Disturbed! Alarmed by this week's forecast! It is March. I have lived in places where March still means snow. Texas is not one of those places. Someone smart explain this forecast to me:

Monday: 75, sunny

Tuesday: Snow.

Wednesday: 65, sunny

Thursday: rain, hail, sleet, 4-6 inches predicted snow

My yard, right now:

Did I mention that I paid good money to have all of my windows cleaned? Did I mention that it was yesterday? Gah!

How does this happen?

I mean, seriously? How often do you go in to get your toddler up from a nap to find a three foot long lid to a plastic container in the crib with him? The lid apparently napped with him for about an hour and a half too. Any creative theories on this situation would be welcome.