Are you a smart mouth?

I was completely gacked out listening to the radio this morning when I heard an advertisement for a product called SmartMouth. This invention is some sort of breath freshener that boasts "an independent review of research confirms that SmartMouth brand mouthwash provides fresh breath an astounding 12-times longer than any other mouthwash".

Well, this all sounds fine and good if you're in the market for some fresh breath, but let's think more deeply about that statement. This research? How exactly is that conducted? How far back in the unemployment line do you have to be before you accept the job of Breath Tester? I imagine a long line of sleepy bedheaded participants who swigged various types of mouthwashes the night before. Before them is a line of white-coated breath testers, poised to sniff morning mouths, pens in position to rank the foulness of each participant's skank morning breath. (Unless they were lucky enough to use SmartMouth, which prevents bad breath even overnight.)

The company is also lucky enough to retain the support and consult of Dr. Susanne Cohen, who was featured as a bad breath expert on NBC's TODAY show earlier this year. I mean, what more could you ask for? Your very own bad breath expert? This must be a superior product! So, that leaves me with more questions. In order to become a bad breath expert, what must your resume include? Is that better or worse than being a bad breath tester? I struggle to sleep at night after hearing these commercials. I simply can't turn off the old thinker.