Have achieved new level of nerdiness. Am babysitting for Piglet's girlfriend on a Friday night. Lounging on couch, massively pregnant, watching television. Of the 97 channels, I choose to watch the spelling bee on ABC. Can't stop there, must IM about spelling bee as it happens with Eddie. We evaluate the contestants' clothing, hairstyles, families and mustaches. We attempt to spell the words and fail miserably.

I present for your amusement just how dorky I am:

Pigs ( 8:58:17 PM): that kid had a stache
Eddie ( 8:58:18 PM): check out the mustache on that 1 yr old
Eddie ( 8:58:20 PM): jinx
Pigs ( 8:58:22 PM): lol
Eddie ( 8:58:25 PM): i like #13
Eddie ( 8:58:27 PM): she's cute
Pigs ( 8:58:29 PM): she's pretty
Eddie ( 8:58:36 PM): tallego
Eddie ( 8:58:37 PM): damn
Pigs ( 8:58:39 PM): i don't like sidharth
Eddie ( 8:58:43 PM): dumb name
Eddie ( 8:58:46 PM): like siddhartha
Pigs ( 8:58:53 PM): a soft creamy cheese!
Eddie ( 8:59:10 PM): chloe is standing on my boobs
Eddie ( 8:59:11 PM): ouch
Pigs ( 8:59:15 PM): boobies!
Eddie ( 8:59:26 PM): pine nuts!
Eddie ( 8:59:28 PM): yum
Eddie ( 9:00:29 PM): siddharth is a nerd
Pigs ( 9:00:40 PM): his voice is awfully high for that stache
Eddie ( 9:00:43 PM): i hate how they fake write on the back of their number cards
Pigs ( 9:00:52 PM): ooh little bro is a nerd too
Eddie ( 9:00:58 PM): that's his bro?
Eddie ( 9:01:06 PM): in the orange shirt?
Pigs ( 9:01:12 PM): no the little nerd that was clapping like a fool
Eddie ( 9:01:16 PM): oh
Eddie ( 9:01:18 PM): missed it
Pigs ( 9:01:26 PM): i like orange shirt better
Eddie ( 9:01:28 PM): french duh
Pigs ( 9:01:38 PM): lotta french up in here
Eddie ( 9:01:45 PM): why is he wearing cargo pants?
Eddie ( 9:01:50 PM): he should be more dressed up
Eddie ( 9:02:01 PM): spanish!
Eddie ( 9:02:05 PM): never mind
Eddie ( 9:02:09 PM): sounded like dessert
Pigs ( 9:02:14 PM): i thought the same thing!
Eddie ( 9:02:21 PM):
Pigs ( 9:02:23 PM): that's a weirdo def
Eddie ( 9:02:26 PM): yeah
Eddie ( 9:02:40 PM): snap!
Pigs ( 9:02:47 PM): OOOOOOOOOOOOoooh
Eddie ( 9:02:59 PM): i think this might be the nerdiest thing i've ever done
Pigs ( 9:03:01 PM): bummer
Eddie ( 9:03:02 PM): friday night
Eddie ( 9:03:06 PM): watching spellingn bee
Eddie ( 9:03:11 PM): and iming about it
Pigs ( 9:03:12 PM): IMing about a spelling be
Pigs ( 9:03:13 PM): e
Pigs ( 9:03:15 PM): and i can't spell
Eddie ( 9:03:18 PM): sounds like a blog entry
Pigs ( 9:03:20 PM): there's the bro
Pigs ( 9:03:25 PM): i was just thinking that
Eddie ( 9:03:28 PM): i missed him again
Pigs ( 9:03:58 PM): least he shaved his stache
Eddie ( 9:04:04 PM): ha
Pigs ( 9:04:08 PM): yep they're cargoes
Pigs ( 9:04:10 PM): cargos
Eddie ( 9:04:18 PM): wow!
Eddie ( 9:04:33 PM): poor siddharth

Whammo

So, I may have smushed Cletus today. Allowing a daredevil 20 month old to play around on a tall bed is probably a really bad idea, but the dastardly giggles coming from his mouth were too adorable to stop. Naturally, he rolled and tumbled to the opposite side of the bed from the side I was "monitoring" from and began to fall headfirst off the side. Instinct kicked in and I dove across the bed - suddenly nimble and forgetting my massive girth - grabbed his ankles to pull him back, and totally belly flopped atop young Clete. He's still kicking and rolling in there and my doctor told me things are likely fine, but good grief! Scared me to death. So here I am in bed "taking it easy". Reassure me that things are fine.

The Most Carefully Laid Plans

We got an offer on our house! Whew! Hopefully everything will go through and things will be relatively simple. It will be simply glorious to be able to take a break from this incessant vacuuming. As things are planned now, we'll be closing on two separate houses and having a baby in a ten day time frame. How's that for doing everything at one time?

Now the bad news. I weighed in at a pretty hefty weight this morning at the doctor's office. I'm already weighing as much as I did total when pregnant with Piglet. Those darn cookies and ice cream! (That reminds me that I have a Drumstick in the freezer with my name on it...) It appears that this baby is either large-ish, or that my due date is wrong. The potential incorrect due date does not thrill me because if the baby comes early, I have all kinds of plans involving parental help and plane tickets that will be wrecked. I'm supposed to be 34 weeks, 2 days. The sonogram measured the baby to be about 35.5 weeks, and the doctor's little tape measure on the uterus measured me at 36.5 weeks. Harumph. Grumble. I don't care much for uncertainty.

Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts

When one has a small boy, one must go outside kind of a lot. This is okay unless you have raging crazy Texas allergies. Even allergies wouldn't be all that bad except for the sneezing. The sneezing is what causes me to enter the danger zone, particularly if I am away from home. When a sneeze is coming on, I have to make a rapid fire decision: bladder or scar tissue? There's a consequence either way. I might get a sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen as my muscles entwined in scar tissue try to stretch to make way for the sneeze and are stopped by the unforgiving, non-stretching scar tissue. Jab! Or, I pee down my leg, causing Piglet to point and say, "Uh oh!"

When one is supposed to rest on their left side as much as possible, you'd think that bed sores would be the problem. Alas, the problem is that one cannot rest on their left side at all during the waking hours of said little boy. But at night! Catch up time. Lying on my left side feels really really awesome for about ten minutes. Then our (brand new thanks to the warranty) firm mattress kicks in with its wicked awesome support. The support will be great later, but right now it sends piercing pains through whichever hip I happen to be lying on at the time. Don't know if it's that darn sciatic nerve or pressure from the massive baby or what, but I have to flip over. The solution, according to my doctor, is to use some sort of feather bed or memory foam for the hip. This, unfortunately, does not offer firm support for my scoliosed-up back or messed up shoulder and neck. As a result, I have constant neck and back pain.

I realize that you probably did not come here to read about my complaints day after day, but I feel that they need to be expressed and documented. It's a shame, but my engineer-minded husband is probably the least sympathetic person I know. Except for possibly my dad. (Who once after a car accident I had gave me only $100 of the $500 settlement I received for my whiplash pain and suffering. He informed me that he thought I only did about $100 worth of pain and suffering.) The husband, however, will attempt to be sympathetic and say....rub my neck or shoulder while we watch TV. Problem is, whenever a good part happens - perhaps Barney comes on the screen on How I Met Your Mother, or a good commercial starts - he ceases the rubbing until I pause the show. Or he says things like, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" feigning helpfulness. Did I mention that he went to hit golf balls on Mother's Day? He gave me a card from Piglet. I must outline better guidelines for future Mother's Days. Eddie witnessed the holiday. At least there's no heavy expectations for Father's Day this year.

I will now state some positive things about pregnancy, since my sister informed me that I'm excellent birth control.

1. It's really nifty to be able to see the back of your bellybutton. You can clean it out like nobody's business.

2. The eating part is really great. Food tastes excellent and no one questions you when you order a dessert after cleaning your plate. Also, without alcohol, you don't feel money guilt for ordering an appetizer or dessert when out to dinner.

3. My skin is very, very clear. There have been no pimple posts for 34 weeks.

4. People are much more likely to hold a door for you and more helpful than you can imagine.

5. You can hold a cup, mug, or bowl on the top of your stomach between your boobs. Who doesn't want that?

6. Your hair stops falling out. No hairbrush or drain cleaning.

7. You don't have to fuss with zippers, snaps or buttons on your pants. Elastic is a simple up/down process.

Alright, it took me a looooooooong time to come up with seven things. There's no way that list is going to make it to ten. Thank you for coming back from the land of lurking to comment again. It really does make blogging far more enjoyable. Two in one week - aren't you proud? My goal for my next post is to not talk about the misery of gestation.

Housing Trifecta

Right. So what's up? I'll pretend that I've been here just as regularly as always and post on. I can't remember where I left off, but I'm going to guess that it was somewhere after our Georgia trip. Starting there, we bought a house! After the 35 houses in two days while pregnant insanity search, we narrowed it down and made an offer for our favorite. And? We got it! It's bee-yew-ti-ful. And it has woods. The kind with real trees! No more of these crummy little Texas weeds masquerading as trees. Nyah nyah!

On this end, I believe I've mentioned that our house is for sale....argh. The endless vacuuming and picking up and windexing Gus snot off the windows and Piglet slobber off of the Gus snot is getting quite old. In the midst of all of the cleaning, Piglet has not only learned to open door knobs, but has finally gotten tall enough to climb on and off of all the furniture, thus enabling him to follow Gus from chair to couch to recliner for endless amounts of fun. Cue more straightening from me.

Finishing out the housing trifecta is the housing of the fetus. My housing, that is. It's no big secret that I find pregnancy to be terribly unpleasant. This pregnancy, however, has grown more complicated than the first with the stretching of a round ligament which is somehow entwined with c-section scar tissue. Turns out? Scar tissue does not stretch. So in addition to peeing when I sneeze (did I mention that this is the worst allergy season I've seen in my time in Texas?), I also get the fun surprise of a piercing stab in my ligament region. This symptom alone was superfun enough, but then the kidney stones kicked in. Or so they thought. This week was the third round of stones which, accompanied by the peeing of blood, got me sent to the darn labor and delivery wing for a couple of hours. Then on to a urologist who told me that the baby is smushing the tube that drains my right kidney to my bladder. This is apparently not good. I am to lie on my left side whenever possible to keep kidney from.....I don't know. Exploding or something. So, I guess early delivery is a possibility if my health becomes compromised, which would mess up my Carefully Laid Plans in a big way.

Thus encapsulates my housing trifecta. And brings me to this moment, in which I lie on my bed on my left side and type at a very wacky angle just to share the joy that is my update. It saddens me that people have stopped commenting on my blog. Especially when people tell me how much they like certain posts that I have written when I see them in real life. Come on! Humor me. I'm stuck like a turtle on my left side for six weeks. Have some sympathy. Make me smile!

Pant, pant, pant.

I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. We had two showings yesterday. It's really really hard to actually exit a house, leaving it clean and with the appropriate doors opened and lights on, etc. while dragging/carrying around a 25 pound tornado at each turn.

Then it's hard to find a place to be for an hour, come home, squeeze in a nap, and wake Piglet up to do it all over again in an hour. We had another today, and there's one more in an hour. Piglet is not yet asleep, but will have to be dragged out of bed in about 50 minutes so we can skedaddle. He best hurry up and doze if he's going to get a nap today.

Also? While I was showering, he learned how to turn doorknobs and get them open. I was really hoping we had another few months on that.

Oh, and? Gus cornered a snake in the backyard this morning, so I got to haul beagle off of snake today as well. It's been a lively 7 hours.

Angst.

Sorry for the vanishing. It's just that this buying/cleaning/attempting to sell a house thing is kind of time consuming. Especially when you have to do your inspection early and fix everything on it for the relocation company. Even if you find out that your two broken window seals are covered by warranty, you have to wait a lifetime for the idiots to install them.

Today was long. Today was Day 3 of "we'll be there sometime between 8 and 12". You know what that means: that means I can't leave the house. That means I can't leave my clean, fixed up, perfectly staged house and I'm trapped in it with a tornadic 19 month old who whirls around leaving destruction in his path at each turn.

I am easily frustrated with incompetence. And rain, but that's not really something I can blame on someone. These people came to measure the windows. They made new ones. They brought them over on my birthday, the first day of my 8-12 entrapment. Turns out? After clearing my morning and waiting for them, those pesky windows didn't fit. They must've measured wrong. Oopsie daisy! So they measured again and went to make more windows. They came to put them in yesterday (two weeks later). After an hour long power outage during breakfast (no coffee), a large storm, and buckets of rain, they arrived. They climbed the ladder. It rained. They got in the truck. It stopped. They climbed the ladder. It rained. They took the ladder and left, saying they'd be back today between 8 and 12. My blood pressure escalated.

Today. It got to be about 10:30 before I called. A lady told me they were backed up because of yesterday's rain. Oh, really? Well, my house is for sale and I'm tired of sitting in it waiting for people to replace my windows. If someone had measured correctly in the first place, this would have been done two weeks ago. She said she'd call him and call me back with an update. 45 minutes passed. I called again. She had forgotten to call him, sorry. Her bad. She'd call me back in a minute. Ring ring! They're running behind, they'll be there between 1 and 1:30. Piglet's naptime. The window is in his bedroom, and I'm guessing that removing it would not be conducive to sleep. I don't mess with sleep. I carefully explained to her that this was why I had selected the morning time frame. I then told her in great detail exactly what a 19 month old could do to a clean house on the market in four hours. She says she has no idea what to do. I suggest switching me to later in the afternoon and she agrees. After 3, she says.

At quite past 4:00, the men return at last. They install the windows and I am super happy. I go on a field trip to Learning Express to buy a gift. While buckling Piglet into his stroller, my skirt blows up, flashing my green and orange striped underwear to a strip mall of shoppers. I am no longer happy.

Mr. Pigs is heinously late getting home from work, despite promises to try to leave early. It seems he has forgotten how to use cellular device. Again. I've already planned his funeral and canceled my move to Georgia in lieu of my late husband and fatherless children when he finally calls ten minutes after he's supposed to be home telling me he has just left. Growl.

Finally, since there was no time to cook dinner, I dashed out for a quick Subway dinner only to find that Subway was out of food. To be specific, they were out of three kinds of bread, tuna, mozzarella cheese, and spinach. The line was ten people deep and the two people working there seemed to be surprised to find themselves making sandwiches. The woman in front of me turned and muttered to her children, "This is what happens when people do drugs." I snickered.

On a positive note, we have a showing tomorrow and no windows to be installed. It's supposed to be a sunny day in the 80s. We got a letter from Mattress Firm stating that they indeed agreed with us that our seven year old mattress was faulty and included a $600 credit for a new mattress. Always save your receipts! And that little tag that they say not to remove under penalty of law. All I need is for today's stain to come off of the stomach of my maternity shirt and a batch of chocolate chip cookies and I think I'll be as good as new. Eddie's coming to visit on Saturday too, so the future is looking bright.

Ta ta!