Thursday, May 22, 2008

Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts

When one has a small boy, one must go outside kind of a lot. This is okay unless you have raging crazy Texas allergies. Even allergies wouldn't be all that bad except for the sneezing. The sneezing is what causes me to enter the danger zone, particularly if I am away from home. When a sneeze is coming on, I have to make a rapid fire decision: bladder or scar tissue? There's a consequence either way. I might get a sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen as my muscles entwined in scar tissue try to stretch to make way for the sneeze and are stopped by the unforgiving, non-stretching scar tissue. Jab! Or, I pee down my leg, causing Piglet to point and say, "Uh oh!"

When one is supposed to rest on their left side as much as possible, you'd think that bed sores would be the problem. Alas, the problem is that one cannot rest on their left side at all during the waking hours of said little boy. But at night! Catch up time. Lying on my left side feels really really awesome for about ten minutes. Then our (brand new thanks to the warranty) firm mattress kicks in with its wicked awesome support. The support will be great later, but right now it sends piercing pains through whichever hip I happen to be lying on at the time. Don't know if it's that darn sciatic nerve or pressure from the massive baby or what, but I have to flip over. The solution, according to my doctor, is to use some sort of feather bed or memory foam for the hip. This, unfortunately, does not offer firm support for my scoliosed-up back or messed up shoulder and neck. As a result, I have constant neck and back pain.

I realize that you probably did not come here to read about my complaints day after day, but I feel that they need to be expressed and documented. It's a shame, but my engineer-minded husband is probably the least sympathetic person I know. Except for possibly my dad. (Who once after a car accident I had gave me only $100 of the $500 settlement I received for my whiplash pain and suffering. He informed me that he thought I only did about $100 worth of pain and suffering.) The husband, however, will attempt to be sympathetic and say....rub my neck or shoulder while we watch TV. Problem is, whenever a good part happens - perhaps Barney comes on the screen on How I Met Your Mother, or a good commercial starts - he ceases the rubbing until I pause the show. Or he says things like, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" feigning helpfulness. Did I mention that he went to hit golf balls on Mother's Day? He gave me a card from Piglet. I must outline better guidelines for future Mother's Days. Eddie witnessed the holiday. At least there's no heavy expectations for Father's Day this year.

I will now state some positive things about pregnancy, since my sister informed me that I'm excellent birth control.

1. It's really nifty to be able to see the back of your bellybutton. You can clean it out like nobody's business.

2. The eating part is really great. Food tastes excellent and no one questions you when you order a dessert after cleaning your plate. Also, without alcohol, you don't feel money guilt for ordering an appetizer or dessert when out to dinner.

3. My skin is very, very clear. There have been no pimple posts for 34 weeks.

4. People are much more likely to hold a door for you and more helpful than you can imagine.

5. You can hold a cup, mug, or bowl on the top of your stomach between your boobs. Who doesn't want that?

6. Your hair stops falling out. No hairbrush or drain cleaning.

7. You don't have to fuss with zippers, snaps or buttons on your pants. Elastic is a simple up/down process.

Alright, it took me a looooooooong time to come up with seven things. There's no way that list is going to make it to ten. Thank you for coming back from the land of lurking to comment again. It really does make blogging far more enjoyable. Two in one week - aren't you proud? My goal for my next post is to not talk about the misery of gestation.

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