Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Pants, Klass and Gravity

Y'all, I have the CRAZIEST story to tell you! I have spent the last six weeks kidnapped by pirates! I mean, you know that I would never bail on my beloved blog for six weeks without an extremely valid excuse, right? So, there were these pirates. Well, they were more like bandits. Yes, bandits! With masks and angry voices. Well, maybe closer to gypsies. Yes! I was held hostage by a band of gypsies who took up with the carnies from the local fair back in October. And I tried to give them my children, but they refused to take them and they TOOK ME INSTEAD! Do you know what it's been like living on the lam? Moving as weary nomads from county to county? All I could think about the entire time was you, my dear readers. Your plight, not mine. I suffered for weeks....angst filled weeks! Lucky for you, I escaped. Just today, in fact. Tuesday, it is, too.....we know that all weird things happen on a Tuesday, right?

Okay, that's clearly a lie. All I've got here is that I think my children are slowly eating my brain. They are getting smarter and I am getting dumber by the day. I can't remember how to use big words, much less string sentences together in a meaningful way. I'm having to look up recipes to cook from and use a dictionary to write. (Unrelated sidebar: Go to dictionary.com, type in "manure" and click on the speaker icon. It's totally worth your time.) It's all very sad. So expect this to be random. In fact, to aid my poor, struggling brain, it will be in list format.

1. Pants. I want to talk about pants. As in, why will boys not wear them? Personally, it has never crossed my mind not to wear pants. Get out of the shower....PUT ON PANTS. That's just what I do. It's how I roll. But around here, that's just crazy talk. First of all, underwear is never, ever a given. I have to actually look down my children's drawers before they leave for school to make sure they are not going commando. At least once a week, someone is sans underwear. If they are wearing underwear, it's often on backwards. I let this go...not my problem. But pants?! I firmly believe in the wearing of the pants. Especially when I can't be sure I'm there everytime someone needs something wiped. I won't go into detail about the poop that I had to clean off of Piglet's bedding last week. Just trust me, it wasn't good.

2. My imaginary basement room. I'm kind of excited about fixing up a room in my basement. It's a room we haven't really used since we moved here. It's windowless and cozy and kind of a strange size and I want to turn it into a comfy little den of sorts. A TV, some comfortable couches and maybe a little bar. Not a real bar, like a furniture kind of bar. Something so my friends don't have to put their wine bottles on the file cabinet like we do now when we're keeping it klassy. You know, next to the FM radio with the big antenna, under the flashing Icehouse sign. Beside the futon. Near the pyramid of beer cans. I can't stop. You get the picture.

I'm thinking something maybe like this:

Verona Bar | World Market

But maybe a smidge bigger and taller. Won't that be fun? Right now I'm only up to paint colors, but it's fun to plan out. Next up: PILLOWS AND WALL DECOR. Hold onto your hat.

3. The last completely unrelated topic was my trip to Kohl's last night. I don't generally frequent Kohl's in the evening hours, but I had little dilemma that involved $30 in Kohl's Cash that I wasn't going to let go to waste. It was a quick jaunt through the store to find what I wanted, but things went sour in the check out line. As it turns out, I was $2.44 short of spending all of my cash, and you know I can't let that slide. My fatal error was reaching for a roll of wrapping paper to even out my total. Did you know that removing just one roll of wrapping paper from a box holding the rolls upright can cause gravity to launch an unstoppable chain reaction of toppling wrapping paper boxes? True story. The box holding my roll toppled to its side, taking out the next two boxes of wrapping paper, the third of which collapsed atop the rope indicating the line for checkout, which subsequently brought down the two poles attached to the rope.

*crickets chirping*

Yup. That was me. Last night at Kohl's. So awkward.

So there you have it. I hope you feel completely caught up on my life. I will try to fill in a few gaps if I can get back to writing more regularly. My brain definitely needs the exercise. Throw me a bone and let me know if you're still out there. Maybe I should go back and pick up Halloween in there somewhere. Next time.

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