Unkies

This post is going to be about my underthings. If you are a dude who doesn't want to hear about my underthings, carry on with your day. The rest of you, I need help. (By "rest of you" I'm referring to those without a Y chromosome.)

Should we begin with the tops or the bottoms? Let's work our way down. Tops. Or, lack there of. First, I must issue an APB for my boobs because they have been missing since last August. I'm pretty sure that Pigpen ate them because they are distinctly missing. In case you are really, REALLY interested, the sequence of events went a little something like this:

Regular, pre-kids Pigs - 34B
Pregnant Pigs - 34C
Nursing Pigs - 34C
Pregnant Again Pigs - 36C
Nursing Pigs - 34C
Regular, post-kids Pigs - 34AA

That was not a typo, that is a double A. I know it's a double A because when I went in Victoria's Secret and tried on all the A bras and asked how to keep the cup from gaping, she politely suggested that I grow some more boobs. Okay, she said that when it gapes, it means the cup is too big, but same thing. Do you know where they sell AA bras? Then please let me know, because I can't find them anywhere and have even stooped to looking at the training bras in the girls department. This summer, I will be foregoing the bra. I'm done with this little game. Bring on the Bandaids.

End bra rant. Begin panty rant. We'll call it a Ranty.

For years, I've worn Victoria's Secret cotton low rise bikinis. They are the only unkies that don't wedgie, don't ride, don't hang out of the waist of my pants, don't have major VPL issues and fit right. The only minor problem is that about a year ago, Victoria's Secret inexplicably decided to stop making them. And there is no acceptable substitute in their store.

This has brought about Unkie Hunt 2010. In an effort to not waste money, I have banded together with my friend AMP on this search. The more the merrier, so if you would like to participate, all data can be logged here. She has test driven the Cosabella Talco low-rise bikini and found it to be inferior due in part of poor sizing. The small that she tested should have more accurately been called an XXS. Due to their approximate $20/pair price tag, they are not being given a second chance in a larger size.

I will be test driving the very expensive, yet timeless, Hanes Low Rise Bikinis. A two pack cost me about $6. So far, I'm liking the price, but their colors and designs could be improved. They have been washed and will be worn tomorrow. I know that you are on the edge of your seat with anticipation. If you would like to offer a suggestion or participate in this quest, please leave a comment.

I'm relatively certain that was all and more than you desired to learn about my underworld, but there you have it. Share away.