eHow.com is my friend

So, I had meant that post about poop to be a lead in to my story about Pigpen's new habit of throwing things into the toilets and flushing, but apparently life has led me away from my computer and my blog and I never got back to it.

Mr. Pigs and I have been painting for about a month now. Our winter projects included a great deal of painting, and since spring seems to be peeking around the corner, we have realized we'd better get said projects done. So, this winter we have painted the main areas of the basement, the guest room, the guest bathroom, Pigpen's big boy room which he is not living in yet, but will be soon, the dining room, our bathroom, and the staircase to the basement. That was a lot of painting. I'm only writing this paragraph in an attempt to excuse my disappearance.

I must tell the toilet story, though. Mostly because I don't want to forget it and if I don't write these things down, they're gone forevermore. Okay, picture it: Sicily 1932. No, just kidding. Picture it: my bathroom, on a Tuesday. I flush. Water swirls, swirls, swirls.....rising and rising. I cringe. Water retreats. I sigh with relief. Work the plunger for a few minutes to no avail. Leave problem for later.

Note: Story gets gross here. Squeamish men may wish to assume story ends with a hearty plunge and a smile.

Later: The next morning, I forget about the toilet problem and absentmindedly put a tampon in there. Flush. Water begins rising. Rising! Rising! Red rum! Red rum! Water reaches the tippy top of the bowl and stops. Whew. I now know that this is my problem since I've sullied the water in a way that Mr. Pigs will no longer approach it. Kids are awake, I leave the toilet and vow to use the other one today.

Fast forward past breakfast and it's time for mommy's shower. Gather the troops in my room and begin the process. While pulling up Piglet's desired television programming, I hear a splash. PIGPEN IS PLAYING IN THE RED WATER! I hear the flush. NOOOOOOO! I race to the toilet and snatch him out, but it's too late. Water poured over the sides of the bowl, cascading all over the floor. Pigpen is soaked to the ankles.

Piglet: "Mommy, Pigpen made a mess." It's handy to have Captain Obvious around.

I grab a towel and throw it on the ground, placing Pigpen on it. "Stay!" I order him and race to the laundry room to get the junky Gus towels. Naturally, when I return Pigpen has wet-socked his way back to the swirling, wet disaster that is my red-tinged bathroom. I throw towels everywhere and abort the shower mission. The plunger is of no use, despite my mad plunging abilities. This is clearly a Pigpen induced clog.

Naturally, I head to the computer and begin researching how to fix this. I refuse to call in a professional for this scene.....it's even worse that if it had been poop. After 20 minutes of searching, I landed on eHow.com where I learned new words like "auger". I carefully studied the technique, gritted my teeth, and went to the garage for a bucket and a disposable cup.

I placed my audience carefully in the bathtub with strict orders to stay or be detrimentally contaminated. Piglet took the warning seriously and held Pigpen's hand to prevent him from being "daminated" by the nasty water. I began scooping Kool-Aid colored water and various floating cotton pieces from the bowl. eHow.com gave strict instructions NOT to pour the water down the sink, so I schlepped it to the other functioning toilet and poured it in there. The water was now at an acceptable level for plunging. I placed the plunger and worked it. A good 15-20 firm plunges worth, I worked it.

I held my breath and flushed. VOILA! I fixed the toilet!! Whatever toy was in there finally left the pipe and released the clog. One large load of laundry, one vigorous floor mopping, and four deep hand cleanses later, my problem was solved. I was pretty proud of myself! As a family, we are working hard to keep the bathroom doors securely closed. Maybe this will be my last bathroom post for a while?