Me Gus here. Y'all would not believe the conditions I'm living under. In fact, I write to you from beneath mom's bed as we speak.
Why am I hiding under the bed, you ask? I am a wanted man - er, dog. That kid? Piglet? He stalks me every hour that he is awake. (Specifically, from 7:30am-1pm, then 3pm-7:15pm) I know these times in such excruciating detail because those are the times that I am no longer able to sleep unless I escape to outdoors where it is over 100 degrees. Y'all ever felt 100 degrees on black fur? It is FO REAL hot, I tell ya. But at least I can be alone.
So this kid. He's learned to climb up on my furniture and follows me from couch to chair to chair until I give up and let him "love" on me. You know what that involves, people? DO YOU? He thinks I'm a chair! He backs his little self up to me aiming his be-diapered hindquarters right at my ribcage! That kid weighs 27 pounds! You know what I weigh? 27 pounds! That's like having myself sit on....myself. Some love.
And then? He's got this set of tools. You know, hammer, screwdriver, pliers, wrench, the works. He likes to work on the underside of his trains and trucks when they're turned on their sides. Well. The other day? I snuck off to a couch where I thought he couldn't see me? I was exhausted. Just plum exhausted, I tell you. I flopped over and passed out quick as a wink. Next thing I know that kid's got his tools down in my undercarriage trying to fix me! Outrageous. "Fix Gus! Fix Gussie!" he says.
In the middle of all this torture, he's learned a whole mess of words. He's got the nerve to tell me no. ME! Like I ever do anything wrong. It doesn't stop at "no" and "Gus" though. He likes to practice his body parts. Guess how. That's right, on me. Gussie's eyes! (jab) Gussie's ear! (tug) Gussie's nose! (poke) Incidentally, did you know that the index finger of a 22 month old boy can fit snugly into a beagle's nose? Harumph. He struts around this house in his new cowboy boots like he owns this joint.
Finally, I have to report that mom and dad brought home another kid. I honestly haven't even had time to notice him because Piglet won't give me two minutes to myself to even check him out. All I know is he squawks a lot, but he leaves me alone so I'm okay with him. Sometimes I sneak into his room to escape. Did you know dogs can tiptoe? It's a new skill I've picked up lately.
Well, I've used up about half an hour of Piglet's sleep time writing this, so I'd better go catch up on some shut eye. I'm trying to eavesdrop on mom and dad - I keep hearing them mention a move or a new house or something, but every time I try to listen I doze off. I'm too tired to even worry about it right now.