Monday, March 05, 2007

My Foot Could Have Syphilis

There's a lot of things that fall under the category of "Things That Are Nasty". I have explored many of them on this blog: poop, gas, spit up, fourth graders, boogers, anal glands, more poop. Today, I have a new one that I can't believe I've never evaluated in writing before. It's crossed my thoughts every spring for the last ten years or so. It skeeves me out to even think about it too hard. Today's topic (drumroll, please):

The Hygenic Liner

Gentlemen, if you don't wear bikinis often, you may not be familiar with this little invention. The hygenic liner suddenly appeared in the crotch of bathing suits I'd guess about ten years ago. Prior to this event, there was simply a large angry-lettered sign on the wall that read "ALL UNDERGARMENTS ARE TO REMAIN ON WHILE TRYING ON SWIMSUITS." This was to connote strictness.

I'm guessing that people would just try on bathing suits willy nilly with no regard to putting their hoo-ha where someone else's hoo-ha may have just been. No thoughts to the disease or crotch lice or bodily fluids that are there for the taking.

I would like to take this moment to establish that I have never been one of those aforementioned people. I am proud to state here and now that I have always - ALWAYS - worn my tidy little unkies under the garment in question. There was definitely some tucking of things: a bump of granny panty shoved up into the bikini on the right cheek, a fold of my hipsters below the bellybutton. Yes, I had to squint my eyes slightly at the mirror to smudge out the unsightly bulges protruding from the bikini. But! I felt protected. And of course I washed my new suit thoroughly upon arriving home.

This is the part I don't understand: How does this "hygenic" liner make this process any more hygenic? What exactly is its purpose? Now someone's hoo-ha is touching the hygenic liner where someone else's hoo-ha just was instead of the actual suit. How is that any better? When you get home you can peel off all of the cooties that are clinging to the liner and have a fresh suit? I don't think so! There's still plenty of room around that bad boy for Stuff to touch. Plus? HOW NASTY IS PEELING THAT THING OFF?! I never ever touch it with my bare hand. Ever. A couple of Kleenexes and a HAZ-MAT suit will do me just fine.

You might wonder what brought this topic to my mind with such a flourish. Well, February in Texas brings about some nice weather that makes me think of laying out in the sun, which you may know I'm somewhat prone to do. Being that last summer I had to bask around in massive whalesuits (maternity wear), I'm ready for my bikini again. Off I went to Target, where I actually found one I liked. I tucked in my panties like a proper lady, looked this way and that in the Target mirror, ignored the peculiar underwear lumps, changed back into my clothes, and bought me a bikini. Upon arriving home, I got the detested task of Hygenic Liner Removal over with quickly and chucked the suit into the dirty clothes for proper sanitation.

It was hours - HOURS! - later, that I kicked my shoes off to relax and almost threw up all over the couch. Firmly embedded into my sock from several hours of walking, and apparently leftover from my Target dressing room experience, I found this:


HURLP!!! Gasp! What happened there? Does this mean that someone actually peeled one out in the dressing room and left it on the floor? Which means they didn't wash their hands after touching it? And then I stepped on it and wore it around?! Think about what's now on the inside of my shoe! My foot could get an STD! I am still flabbergasted. Flummoxed. Aghast.

In closing, I officially add this, the Hygenic Liner, to my category of Things That Are Really Nasty. If anyone perchance has insight into this invention, please enlighten me.

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