Thursday, January 19, 2006

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Pigs

Greetings, fellow readers who love to visit the World of Pig! I, Cousineddie of the Hizz-ouse, will serve as guest blogger today. My goal today is to let you into the twisted world of Pigs.

A while back, Pigs guest posted a great entry about me. I promised her and her legions of dedicated readers that I would return the favor and post an equally witty and informative entry about her. You see, Pigs and I have known each other since we were 15, so I know her pretty well, and probably have a lot of dirt to share about her.

The problem was that, because Pigs is a wonderful writer, she wrote such a fantastically funny post about me that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to live up to it. Guest posting on her blog has been eating away at my to-do list for so long, that now I just have to do it so that I can have some peace of mind. Never mind that I’m a terrible writer. Never mind that Pigs already busted out several stories on her guest post that I would have liked to use on mine. We press on in the face of adversity! Here we go….

Ah, Pigs, what can I say about Pigs? Here’s a list of random facts and stories, in no order whatsoever.

• When we were in high school, Pigs came over after school one day. My mom happened to be watching Oprah, which was about teen sex that day. My mom turned to her and said frankly, “Pigs, how do *you* feel about sex?” Pigs quickly squeaked out, “I don’t know,” and ran out of the room, mortified.

• Pigs is an awesome cook. She is very organized and plans each evening’s meal out a week in advance (she writes all the meals in a weekly planner). She often cooks meals from recipes that she got out of Southern Living magazine. That said, the only time her husband has ever gotten excited about one of her meals was when she heated up a bunch of canned food and odds and ends from the pantry (“This meal ROCKS!”).

• Speaking of the husband o’ Pigs, on their wedding day, after they had completed the ceremony and walked back down the aisle to the outside of the church, Pigs jubilantly squealed, “He married ME! He picked ME!”

• Pigs is a sucker for a good tan. Instead of wearing sunscreen like most health-conscious people, she actually slathers on tanning oil while laying out.

• Pigs and Gus the dog have a Friday afternoon ritual in which she gets him to emit ear-piercing joyful howls as she exclaims, “It’s Friday!”

• When Pigs was little, she broke the barre at ballet class and was asked not to come back.

• Pigs is highly allergic to cats.

• Pigs and her husband did not sit together on the plane to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

• Pigs does not dye or highlight her hair. One time, I highlighted it for her and she freaked out because she felt it was a strange color (it really looked nice). She was also scared to tell her mom because she though Mama Pigs would get mad. Pigs was 22 at the time.

• Although she doesn’t dye the hair on her head, Pigs does bleach her abundant arm hair all winter long.

• Pigs loves a good bargain. She’s a sucker for sales, and it’s fun to vicariously shop through her. Incidentally, Pigs is my favorite shopping buddy ever.

• When she gets tipsy, Pigs tends to let secrets fly. Do NOT tell her any secrets if you don’t plan to be there to monitor what she says while drunk.

• In college, Pigs’ dorm burned down in the middle of the night. She went to tennis class the next day in flip-flops, the only shoes she had left.

• In the winter, Pigs’ husband wears a navy blue turtleneck made of wicking material. He works out in it at the gym, proceeds to wear it all weekend without washing it, and also sleeps in it. I’m not sure if Pigs sleeps on the couch on those nights.

• Pigs used to walk around on stilts in middle/high school.

• Pigs has the kind of long, thick, dark eyelashes that would be perfect for a mascara commercial.

• When Pigs started college, she wanted to be anything BUT a teacher. She is now a (wonderful) teacher.

• Pigs and I had eerily similar looks when we were younger (that’s her with the brown hair).

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