Dear Parents,

A few friendly pointers as we finish out the last quarter of this school year...
1. Open House is not code for "your own private parent conference." There are 90+ of you. I am only one person and if you want the truth, I'm pretty tired of talking about your kid.
2. Despite popular belief, it is not entirely my responsibility to teach and raise your child. You had the kid. I am only here to teach it. I am not accountable for teaching your child morals, manners, or sports. Just so you know.
3. Just because my district doesn't enforce the dress code doesn't mean you can't exercise a little common sense. Wife beaters? Kinda tacky. Bellies? They really shouldn't be visible. Especially in winter. That bring me to number four.
4. It is not healthy for a fourth grader to weigh over 150 pounds. Yes, they do. We did a mass center in math and I know. And yes, I laughed when your child left. However, if you do not find problem with this weight, perhaps you might consider that horizontal stripes, anything in the "legging" family, and halter tops are really not the best look for your child. Also, if you could stay away from the Tweety Bird shirts that say "Hot Chick," it would really help me keep a straight face while I'm teaching.
5. I am 100% cognizant of the fact that your child is special. Please stop reminding me of their special needs. I have 44 special kids and I like most of them, but none are more special than the others. Seriously. I will not "write down their homework for them" or "pack their backpack to make sure they have everything." Which reminds me...
6. Don't say, "I don't believe in medicating my child." I personally don't believe in medicating most children. But yours? Really needs medication. I wouldn't lie to you. Of course, I'm not allowed to tell you your child needs medication because you could sue me. But when I keep using the words can't focus and limited attention span and social problems? Yeah, that actually is code. Get your kid some meds.
7. A full sized bag of Funyans is not an appropriate snack. Make a note of it.
8. Please do not feed your child massive quantities of eggs on the mornings of big tests. I know you mean well, but the octane level in my classroom after these breakfasts is a potential biohazard.
9. Get your daughter a bra and some deodorant. I know she's only in fourth grade, but the evidence is staring me right in the face everyday.
10. I understand that you bought 48 pencils for your child at the beginning of the year. That was a really long time ago. You need to go to Target and get some more. I'm sorry that your child lost them all, but the cup on my desk is not a free store as your child believes it to be.

Thanks so much for your help and support. Together, we can strive to help your child reach their greatest potential.

Sincerely,
Mrs. R