Thursday, February 10, 2005

Ants in My Pants. For real.

You know, sometimes things happen to me at school that I just know no one is going to believe. I can't say I blame them. If these things didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe me either. Remember Bubbles? Anyone who read that post is probably still in disbelief. If you haven't read it, please do before you read below. Well, same kid, same teaching moment, different day. Sigh...

Having a teacher conference over a piece of a child's writing, I was interrupted again today:

Me: (to conferencee) I like the way you used dialogue in this-

A curly-headed shadow falls over my table. I look up. Bubbles is staring at me intently, as though trying to commune with me.

Me: Yeeeesss? [irritated at disruption]

Bubbles: Mrs. R? (No, I'm not her today. She's out. Why must children waste precious seconds asking my name?)

Me: Um hmmm?

Bubbles: I itch.

Me: Say you do, huh? [Corners of my mouth are twitching. I struggle to regain control.]

Bubbles: I feel like there's ants crawling in my butt.

Me: [massive fake choking coughing fit as laughter seeks to explode forth.]

Bubbles: I think I feel them moving, know. You know? [No, sorry. I really don't.]

Me: What do you suggest you do to correct this problem?

Bubbles: Shrugs. Squirms. Makes direct eye contact. [Ants! She said ants!]

Me: I think you should go take care of your, um, little situation. Don't you?

Bubbles: Where? I had ants in my shirt today. [What are the odds of that?] Now I think they're in my (looks around to make sure no one is listening) panties! [Looks at me aghast, as though I should grant her an immediate ant-free panty environment with a swish of my magic hiney stick.]

Me: [snicker] Somewhere private, I'm thinking?

Bubbles: Like the bathroom or the nurse? [scratches deftly]

Me: Look kid, you're a freak. I refuse to fill out a form for the nurse who already thinks I send too many kids who have high fevers during flu season. I'm not writing "Bubbles believes her anus to be laden with ants" on a health form. Go deal and leave me alone.

Me, really: I'm thinking the bathroom should suffice.

Bubbles: Okay! Thank you, Mrs. R! I love you! [Lunges at me with rapid-fire speed and wraps arms around my neck.]

Me: Go! Go! The ants! [Unwrap myself from her dramatic embrace. Grab for hand sanitizer.]

She scampers off. The end.

Huh??? Ants? Are you kidding me? Does this child have any form of hygiene in her backyard? Disgust.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like she might just have worms. You probably should have sent her to the nurse, explaining the situation. It only takes a tablet to cure.

Children get these things. Unfortunately. It's why I ain't EVER having any :)


Anonymous said...

Ants, huh? I guess that's a good childhood term for whatever it was (probably worms). I would hope that it wasn't crab lice...

FunkyB said...

Being that I'm still scratching (pun intended) my HEAD at the whole bubbles thing, I'm not sure what to say to her latest um, revelation. Perhaps CPS should visit the home and check on sanitary conditions that must obviously be lacking.

Every day that I read your blog I get more and more excited about teaching. I mean honestly, where can someone with such a sick sense of humor really flourish outside of a comedy club?

Eddie said...

Worms. Definitely pinworms. Except hers don't fit the M.O. of coming out only at night to lay eggs. Perhaps she's just a drama queen who doesn't wipe her toosh properly?

Anonymous said...

Poor baby! I feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's wrong with her but she trusts you enough to confide in you. Are you going to help her?

Pigs said...

No, no, no. She does not have worms. Or ants. She has attention starvation. Seriously. I promise I'm not ignoring a child in need. She is like this all the time. I've covered with with mom (thinks she's just so cute) and the nurse (tired of seeing her for the increasingly creative reasons). She's just another attention-starved fourth grader trying to out-attention steal the others. Ugh.

Mags said...

Between the bubbles post and the ants, my stomach hurts from laughing.

Oh how I wish I would have gone into teaching...

Katie said...

Maybe she needs her anal glands expressed. I bet if you had offered that option to her, she would've left you alone.

panthergirl said...

Oh my god. That is hilarious. Annoying as hell I'm sure, but hilarious to US. :)

GuusjeM said...

I am printing this post for our school nurse who swears she's never surprised by notes.. but an anus full of ants would take the cake! Her favorite is a child who was convinced she was allergic to salt because she had "bumps on my tongue".