Friday, June 10, 2011

How to Potty Train Your Toddler Boy

1. Ensure that washing machine is in full working order.

2. Procure a bottle of Resolve and several rags.

3. Dig out "lap pads" that some thoughtful relative gave you when you had a newborn. Place them craftily upon any surface on which your toddler boy dwells. Do not forget the car seat. [Friendly tip: these are also awesome to have in car for wet bathing suit rides home from pool.]

4. Put your toddler boy in tiny underwear so cute you could slap your face.

5. Fill toddler boy with large volumes of juice. Teach him to chug. Chant accordingly as though at basement fraternity party.

6. Wait.

7. If he has successful attempts at the little potty, see step eight. If he continually wets himself and pleads for diapers, abort mission. Repeat, abort mission. Try again in a month or two.

8. Award said toddler boy with something he values. Have on hand large supply of candy, cookies, stickers....any bribe is acceptable. Regular rules do not apply in the realm of potty training. Dental health is irrelevant.

9. Watch child run for potty multiple times. Be prepared to scream, dance, cheer, and leap about as though possessed following each and every Important Event. Shower child with goodies. Dance some more. Call grandma. Tell strangers passing by.

10. Watch child race for potty while holding his backside. When the Official Most Important Deposit is made congratulate self. High five child. Shake your money maker.

11. Have a beer. The fact that it is 10:00am is not important. Your toddler boy is becoming Trained. Life is good.

12. Place at least two pairs of tiny underwear and a pair of shorts in your purse. Things happen. Also, they're fun to pull out at parties.

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