Saturday, December 11, 2010


Tis the season to be off the blog. I can't believe this is my first post of December! I bury my face in shame. Actually, it's just the first post you are seeing in December because I'm sure you're interested to know that I have THREE blog posts which I started this month....just never finished. What follows is the update for which I'm sure you've been biting your nails for days now.

The main thing going on around here is that it's unseasonably, freakishly, Canada-style cold up in here, and it has been this way for a week now. Some might say that this is a grand thing because it makes it feel Christmas-y, but I've always been more of the school that I like wearing shorts while decorating for Christmas. Much less cold that way. And I'm trying really, really hard not to complain about the cold when my pal Aims has actually, for realz been transferred from Houston to Alaska. I'm trying really hard to think of her every time I say I'm cold. Sadly, this week only gives me sympathy for her trapped in a house with two toddlers because it's too cold to play outside. Do you know what happens to my kids when they can't go outside? They turn into wild animals. Like, wild, jumping off of furniture, literally bouncing off of walls, tackling each other and the dog every 30 seconds kind of animals.

One sample morning, yesterday:

After breakfast, I began to get us all ready for our playgroup. I chased Pigpen up the stairs to change his foul diaper and had our daily discussion as I changed him on his new big boy dresser.

Me: Ew. Poop is yucky in diapers. It goes in the potty.
P: Big poo poo! [Looks in mirror to see it. Is impressed with self.]
Me: Do you want to put poo poo in the potty?
P: No.
Me: Why not?
P: Poo poo in potty I get M&M's!
Me: That's right! Don't you want M&M's??
P: Yeah! Want candy!
Me: So, you're ready to go use the potty?
P: No.

I mean, every day we have this conversation at least three times. He knows what to do. He's not interested in doing it. He likes for me to change his diapers. And I very much do not want to be changing poop in underpants. It's just ten times worse. So.....we wait. He has to be potty-trained by next September or he can't be in 3 year old preschool. Goals are important.

Following this fascinating conversation with my two year old, I came across a rogue hair on my cheek. This was clearly unacceptable, so I dashed off to the bathroom for the tweezers. This was where I found Piglet standing at my vanity with dark pink nailpolish painted carefully onto both cheeks like Indian war paint. He grinned. I shrieked. I began swiping nail polish remover on his cheeks. He shrieked. His cheeks are chapped from the nasty weather and his disgusting habit of chewing on his coat. No one was happy, and Pigpen was missing.

From the kitchen, I heard squeals of delight and the sound of dog food being poured into Gus's bowl. I raced to the kitchen to find Pigpen had made his way into the (child-locked) cabinet containing the massive bag of Beneful and was feeding Gus scoop after scoop of kibbles, to Gus's delirious delight. I have no way to know how many cups of food he fed Gus, but I'm pretty sure the diet is off.

I dragged both kids with me to the bedroom so that I might finish off this dastardly face hair once and for all. They began to play some bizarre form of house, yelling things like, "I'm the daddy! You're the mommy!" "No, you're the mommy! I'm daddy!" It went on for several minutes before I screamed out in my state of insanity, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY!?" just to amuse myself. They didn't laugh. They're really not fun people.

We eventually made it out the door and headed to our playgroup, which met this week at the Best Place Ever. Tucked away inside a McDonald's that looks 40 years old and rundown on the outside is the most glorious indoor playground. It was brand new. There was a whole wall of windows and a sliding door that blocked us from the other patrons seeking peace. There were biscuits and french fries and coffee! There was free wi-fi and 80's music. I'm not even lying a little bit when I tell you I haven't been as excited about a place like this since roller rinks in the 80s. Okay, the beach on a school day. My favorite bar in college. The grocery store on sale day. THIS WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I let my kids run, climb, scream, and go maniacally wild for 2 straight hours. And, hello? It was FREE!

Later that day, I sat my kids down in front of the TV and forced them to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Forced. Wouldn't give them snack or let them watch anything else on TV ever again until they watched it. Piglet asked, "How much longer til this is over" approximately 9 times during the movie. When it ended, his heart was not warm. His spirit was not lifted. He wanted to watch Diego and eat Cheez-Its. I am already Greatly Troubled by this generation. Vexed.

To round out a Super Fun Day, I brilliantly decided to take my kids to the car dealership during the witching hour. I was so caught up in packing scads of snacks which they went through before we even got out of the car, that it didn't occur to me to bring any toys. This mistake is how I found myself in the Hyundai dealer folding their 20 year/200,000 mile warranty pamphlets into paper airplanes, boats, and basketballs. This mistake also led to be allowing Piglet to play with my fingernail clippers, pretending they were a tool to fix the stroller wheels. Planning, planning, important.

I still have no car. Well, I have my same very small car that I have had since before I had kids. It has grown smaller and smaller and smaller, and the tires balder and balder. It has reached a critical level of danger and compression of space. When we travel with the dog, Gus has to sit at the feet of Pigpen and wince in fear at the toys he knows are going to be thrown upon his head. The adults have to sit with their knees scrunched up against the dashboard to make room for the carseats, and the kids kick their feet on the back of the front seats. It's terribly unpleasant to travel and we have just found out that we are indeed going to be traveling for Christmas this year when we thought we were homefree to stay, well...home.

This has rambled long enough. Time to retire to my books. Look at me! I'm up to 47! I think I'm going to make it. I know I kind of cheated with my last two, which are middle school ish chapter books, but I love, love, love those books and they are a nice end of the year treat. Plus, I've read at least 25 Magic Tree House books to Piglet and I really thing those should factor in as well. TTFN!


Katie Barron said...

Why can't you stay home for Christmas?  We make people come to us, and it's totally worth it.  Well, we don't make them, we just say that if they want to see us at Christmas, they must travel to Dallas.  Haven't had anyone turn it down yet.  ;)

I can't believe your kids don't like the Grinch!  It's Drew's FAVORITE Christmas show, including Charlie Brown Christmas, and we read the book at least every other night for bed.  LOVES, LOVES, LOVES How the Grinch Stole Christmas.  LOVES.

Anonymous said...

I know, it's completely outrageous. Pigpen will only watch TV if it involves uneducational construction footage and Piglet is a Diego/Mickey fan. Neither of them will watch more than about 10 minutes of anything without taking off to tackle someone or break something.

We're working on the staying home. It got complicated this year. Long story. ;)

Aims said...

You can't beat yea old minivan for spacious travelling. It's not cool on the outside, but you are pampered on the inside!