Thursday, June 21, 2007

Do you think Glamour is hiring?

One would think that while on vacation there would be a great many topics about which to write. My family vacations in a most mundane, relaxing traditional manner. We come, we lie on the beach, we eat. Lather, rinse and repeat. It's the way I like it and the way it's always been. Some people like to go out to shows or go shopping when they're at the beach, but I figure I can do that stuff at home. Here, it's all about the vegging out and people watching. And Mr. Pigs would like for me to mention the beer drinking. Always with the beer drinking.

Right now, I'm itching to get out on the beach, but it's my turn on Piglet's nap duty and I figure we have the whole rest of the day to beach. Another thing I personally like to do at the beach is ride waves, but I'm apparently the only one who hasn't outgrown this interest and am alone in my body surfing. This is how I usually end up making friends with strangers because I just take up with other families out in the water. Which brings me to my next point: beach fashions.

Let's get it out there: water shoes. These shoes are perfectly fine for river tubing, required even, I believe, but there are certain fashion limits to which you must adhere at the beach. The main one being: don't wear water shoes. The only people who wear them are the Yankees from up north. I guess their beaches must be rocky? Or maybe people up north have terribly sensitive feet, I dunno. But they look like big weenies walking around on the beach in them!

Also: Let's talk bathing suit etiquette. Okay, tankinis. How to say this nicely? If you have, say, some extra waist. Or extra stomach. Or something you are trying to hide. I'm not sure that a tankini is the way to go unless you get the kind that actually is longer than the bottoms. I've seen more than a few guts hanging out, dunlopping over the waistband of the bottoms and poking out of the tankini top. It's not pretty. I think I'd rather you just wear a bikini and put it out there. I honestly think it would look nicer. In addition, triangle bikinis are for small-breasted women. In fact, the flatter you are, the better I think they look. If you have under cleavage hanging out, it's too small. And probably not very supportive.

Next topic: wife beaters. Now, as my SC born and raised husband insists on wearing these in public to humiliate me, I feel justified in discussing them here. What is the point? Unless the point is to look like a big redneck, I just don't get it. I mean, sleeves....well, they were on the shirt to begin with, so it seems that you should leave them on the shirt. And when you're on the beach, it seems that you should take your shirt off. Call me crazy, but I can't see how a wife beater tan is better than a farmer's tan.

That seems like quite enough criticism for today. I hope you have enjoyed the Pigs' version of Glamour Do's and Don't's for this morning. Now it's time for me to take my dirty-haired, no make-up, mismatched bikini, barefooted self to the beach.

If you were here with me at the sunny beach, what would you be doing? People watching with me? Or heading off to shop? Maybe someone can explain the allure to me.

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