....and my skirt is made of wheat.

I went to the spa today! Tee hee. Pigs at a spa. I love me a spa day. Due to my cantankerous scoliosis, I used to get massages regularly, but somehow since getting pregnant and then subsequently hauling around an 18 pound wriggling mass all the time, my back pains have gotten.....better? I know, it makes no sense, but who am I to complain?

Today, I redeemed my Mother's Day present, a gift certificate for a mini-spa package, including a facial, a massage, and - my favorite - a "stress relieving back treatment." It was the back treatment about which I was most curious.

Now, I'm not a big fan of a facial. I'm also not wild about a pedicure, since you asked, but I will tolerate one a year through gritted teeth and clenched fists as I try valiantly not to kick the pedicurist in the teeth as I - accidentally - did that poor old Jamaican woman that one time. At band camp. Digressing again!! I swear, my ADD is getting so much worse.

The facial. First of all, the woman was entirely too chatty. I know this is mostly my fault because I feel all rude if I don't encourage it and I would hate for someone not to like me. I have major issues regarding talking to people. Like, I can't stop. I'll talk to anyone - the waiter, the nurse, the mentally disabled kid who bikes around my hood, the cashier at Kroger....I'm not picky, I love to talk. It's just that it's kind of hard to talk when there's hot steam blowing onto your face. It's so humid! Okay, so there's that, and then the hot towels, and the hot...me. I get all hot sitting there, but the creams and exfoliation are lovely. Then she turns on that light. You know the one they show on TV where you can see everyone's clogged pores and sun damage and such? Yeah. That one. She takes a deep breathy gasp and goes, "Oh! You should've gotten an hour facial!" Well, that really makes me feel great. I sighed. "What's wrong with my face?" As much as Eddie nags me about the sun, you'd think sun damage, right? Nope, nope. Just a whole bunch of stuff she'd like to extract. Greeeeeeeat. Just what I wanted to hear about: all the stuff that she could spend an hour extracting from my face.

Lucky for me, it was time to move on to the much awaited stress relieving back treatment. YES!! Guess what it was? Mud. But not just any mud! This was Austrian mud. Million year old Austrian mud that caught and held all of the minerals and goodness from the streams that cascaded down mountains before there was pollution on this Earth. This lovely, clean mud gathered in caverns and was frozen by the Ice Age and preserved so that today it can be harvested and gathered to smear on the backs of today's stressed out yuppies in need of soothing care. Whatever. You know she dug it up in the parking lot this morning. But she said it in that pleasant, sing-songy lispy voice so that you knew her name was probably Rain and she was wearing a skirt made of wheat. (reference? anyone? anyone?)

All in all, good gig. Happy Mother's Day to me. Whoop!