Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Deformed Furry Blind Begging Bucktoothed Hunchback of the Leper Colony, ~200 AD

I've been thinking about this a lot. If I existed during Biblical times, I would have been up the creek without a paddle. A sad sack. The Loser of Jerusalem. It was recently pointed out to me that based on my poor vision, it's lucky for me that I live in an age of such amazing technology that allows me to wear contact lenses. This got me thinking: what would I have been like way back when?

Let's start with my vision, since that's what began this train wreck of a game that distracted me for a good twenty minutes of my life. My vision, once perfect, began deteriorating in the first grade when the chalkboard became rather fuzzy. My mother decided I was only wanting to emulate my friend Michelle Williams who had just gotten glasses and told me that I was "putting on". Alas, I was not. Two years later, she succumbed to my complaints and allowed me to get the glasses that I needed. Fast forward 22 years. My vision is now somewhat poor. Okay, I'm very blind. If you must know, my contact prescription is a -10.50. For those who don't wear glasses, this is not good. If I was to read a line of print without my glasses on, I would literally have to put the page on top of my eyeball to see it one letter at a time. So, back to the point, if I lived in Biblical times with these eyeballs, I could be the blind beggar on the side of the road.

In addition to being the blind beggar, I would have a pretty serious hair situation without modern technology. First, there would be the unibrow. Now, since I'm blind anyway, it probably wouldn't be an issue for me personally when it grew over my eyes and blocked my view. But I can't imagine that it would help me catch a man. Then, you've got my half wavy, has-to-be-professionally thinned coif that would be completely out of control. Add that to my furry legs and probable chin hair and you've got a Furry Blind Beggar.

Now you might say, "That's not so bad. I'm sure there were plenty of people like that back then." Well, sure. Maybe so. But let's add in my scoliosis, which would of course not have been corrected. I have a fancy "S" curve, so let's assume that bad boy was allowed to grow with reckless abandon for a few years and what do you have? You have a deformed hunchback! That's right! I'd be the Deformed Furry Blind Begging Hunchback.

If you insist on getting nit-picky about this game, I have to point out that there likely wasn't any Neutragena On The Spot Acne Treatment, nor was there any good Cover Girl Cover Up. Back in the day, I believe my condition would have been called leprosy. So really, I may have very well been the Deformed Furry Blind Begging Hunchback of the Leper Colony.

Finally, I must mention my teeth. As a child, I possessed some pretty out of control buck teeth and a wicked overbite. I am relatively certain that Biblical times did not offer me the convenience of a lip bumper, binator, braces, and retainers. Though, considering the lack of toothpaste, this topic may be a moot point. (Or a moo point.....can you name that TV reference?) We could just assume that all of my teeth fell out, but for kicks, let's leave them in there, all big and bucky. That will create the picture of my final composite: I would have been the Deformed Furry Blind Begging Bucktoothed Hunchback of the Leper Colony.

Who would you have been? Do you think I could've caught a man?

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