Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Answer Key

Here are my answers to the questions listed below. After much discussion and corroboration with my peers, I feel that these are the most well-thought out responses.

1. If I had to dispose of a body.

Well, burning does not get rid of bones, acid is highly inaccessible, and volcanoes aren't that handy. If you are truly prepared for this situation at any given time, a plastic barrel, some concrete mix, chains and a truck are all you need. Fill the barrel with the body and the concrete mix. Carry it to the nearest, deepest lake, and dump it overboard. The water will fill the barrel, the chains will weigh it down, concrete will form, and the barrel will never rust or decompose, because it is plastic.

2. If I could only eat one meat.

I think the clear choice here is pork. Pork can assume many more forms than beef, poultry, or fish. You would quickly tire of the other three. Now, you might suffer a heart attack my way, but health wasn't a part of the question. I will be enjoying ground pork, pork chops, pork loin, ham, bacon, sausage, pork roast and many others.

3. If someone broke into my home.

This one I still struggle with. For me, the obvious choice is to trip my alarm, call the police and hide in the closet where I should store Gus' muzzle so he won't give me away. While fierce in spirit, Gus would be pretty useless against an intruder.
Some of my other friends suggested the use of throwing stars, a clearly viable option.

4. If I became homeless.

I think the best all around choice here is Wal-Mart a la Billie Letts' Where the Heart Is. Obviously could not be a 24 hour WalMart, though. Sleep in the camping section. Eat from the grocery sectio. Hide in the bathroom just before closing and opening. Voila!
Other options for me would include a department store a la Corduroy for a good night's sleep, or a museum a la The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Or a hotel conference center - free food and all. Plus, you could bathe in the jacuzzi/pool. Nice.

I'm sure each of these plans has holes. Feel free to tear them apart. Makes great conversation.

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