Thursday, June 09, 2005

Good Clean Fun. By Gus.

Hey, it's me, Gus the beagle here. I haven't actually gotten to write anything since mom made me write that apology letter about that whole bunny rabbit fiasco back in April. If anybody's feeling bored, I've got some fun new ideas for you. Mom says I have a few beagle readers and fans out there. I'm in something of a "time out" right now, so I thought I'd pass the word along.

See, mom was cleaning up the carpet today. (She says that when she was in Jamaica I got mud all over it. I know nothing of this mud. She's just messing up all the good scent I got worked into it when she was gone, but whatever.) So here's the plan:

1. Just when she's finished with a particular area, throw self on back and writhe enthusiastically on fresh carpet to help work your scent back into it. She may not realize what valuable scent she's done away with during all that unnecessary cleaning. Humans just don't understand. Grunting noises during the waller should help call her attention to what you are doing. Be prepared to right self and run when she comes after you with the dish towel. Wag tail and look cute.

2. Once she busies herself with a new area, sneak over to the pieces of painter's tape she has used to mark the wet spots so that she won't step in them and re-dirty them. Pull tape off floor with teeth and eat it. (alternate plan: move tape to other location such as pillow)

3. While mom is re-affixing tape to carpet, steal rag with which she is cleaning. It has carpet cleaner on it and she will panic, thinking you are injesting toxins. Race around house with rag in mouth like victory flag, then hide under dining room table where she cannot reach you. Wait it out until she bribes you with a treat. There is a high likelihood at this point that you will get thrown outdoors.

4. Once outdoors, dig a hole. Preferably in dad's freshly seeded grass section, it's still good and muddy over there. Now don't go getting dirty enough to be obvious, just a bit under the nails so mom won't notice. The last thing you want here is for her to throw you in that wretched bathtub. Look sweet and pant to be let back in. It's hot in Texas, she won't leave you out there for long.

5. Casually get yourself some water while mom gets back to work on the floor, then race at warp speed down the hall. Dig nails into carpet to really work that mud off of them. Skid to a manic halt, then whirl around like a lunatic and charge back the other way - it's funny when your humans can't catch you. Repeat as many times as possible until a spanking becomes a possibility. At this point, put your head on your paws and wag your tail charmingly.

6. Take nap in dad's chair. Mischief making is exhausting.

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