Bubbles Revisited

Oh yeah, that's right! I'm re-publishing again! You know why, oh doubting ones? Because this one even made me laugh again because I love it so much. You can't read this and not laugh. I challenge you. This one almost makes me want to go back to school in August! Almost.

You know, sometimes things happen to me at school that I just know no one is going to believe. I can't say I blame them. If these things didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe me either. Remember Bubbles? Anyone who read that post is probably still in disbelief. If you haven't read it, please do before you read below. Well, same kid, same teaching moment, different day. Sigh...

Having a teacher conference over a piece of a child's writing, I was interrupted again today:

Me: (to conferencee) I like the way you used dialogue in this-

A curly-headed shadow falls over my table. I look up. Bubbles is staring at me intently, as though trying to commune with me.

Me: Yeeeesss? [irritated at disruption]

Bubbles: Mrs? (No, I'm not her today. She's out. Why must children waste precious seconds asking my name?)

Me: Um hmmm?

Bubbles: I itch.

Me: Say you do, huh? [Corners of my mouth are twitching. I struggle to regain control.]

Bubbles: I feel like there's ants crawling in my butt. [stares at me intently]

Me: [massive fake choking coughing fit as laughter seeks to explode forth.]

Bubbles: I think I feel them moving, like...you know. You know? [No, sorry. I really don't.]

Me: What do you suggest you do to correct this problem?

Bubbles: Shrugs. Squirms. Makes direct eye contact. [Ants! She said ants!]

Me: I think you should go take care of your, um, little situation. Don't you?

Bubbles: Where? I had ants in my shirt today. [Now, what are the odds of that?] Now I think they're in my (looks around to make sure no one is listening) panties! [Looks at me aghast, as though I should grant her an immediate ant-free panty environment with a swish of my magic hiney stick.]

Me: [snicker] Somewhere private, I'm thinking?

Bubbles: Like the bathroom or the nurse? [scratches deftly]

Me: Look kid, you're a freak. I refuse to fill out a form for the nurse who already thinks I send too many kids who have high fevers during flu season. I'm not writing "Bubbles believes her anus to be laden with ants" on a health form. Go deal and leave me alone.

Me, really: I'm thinking the bathroom should suffice.

Bubbles: Okay! Thank you, Mrs. R! I love you! [Lunges at me with rapid-fire speed and wraps arms around my neck.]

Me: Go! Go! The ants! [Unwrap myself from her dramatic embrace. Grab for hand sanitizer.]

She scampers off. The end.

Huh??? Ants? Are you kidding me? Does this child have any form of hygiene in her backyard? Disgust.