Monday, May 09, 2005

Channeling Mom

Somehow, the longer this school year gets, the more I sound like my mother. I spent my day hounding children. Nagging them. General browbeating of youth.

A sampling of some of the things that came out of my mouth:

-"That is the third time I have said your name!"
-"Have you heard a word I said?"
-"Put four legs on the floor!"
-"Zip it!"
-"How many times have I asked you not to __________?"
-"I'm not talking just to hear my head rattle!"
-"I mean it!" [snap, snap] "Go!"
-"I gave you directions and I expect you to follow them!"

It was outrageous. All. Day. Long. I nagged children. Not because I wanted to! Because they have checked out. What they don't realize is that I, too, am dying to check out, but I can't just yet. They have a huge project due in ten days that we are publishing to the entire school. Do they care? Nuh uh. But did you know that Blair likes Jordan? Because that's important. Soon I surpassed mom-isms and launched into Old Cranky Teacher-isms.

-"I hope you're enjoying your recess now, because this is all you're going to get today."
-"Your parents will be very interested to hear about this tonight."
-"We do not sit out here and play. You have a job to do. Get busy!"
-"I'm sorry...did I tell you to sit out here and socialize? Because I meant for you to work."

When I start using the word "we" it is usually quite sarcastic and implies that they are being babies. When I start apologizing, I'm exceptionally foul. I actually felt terrible everytime something new and cranky came out of my mouth, but it could not be helped. It simply couldn't. It was a genuine reflex. You would think that I would have taken a lot of money from the kids today from their accountability budgets. Nope. I gave money to spite the bad ones. How's that for taking lemons and, well, being sour. I didn't really make any lemonade. I just heaped financial glory on the kids who were doing right and they reveled in it all day. But I only did it to make the naughty twerps feel bad. Ah, well.

Time to wrap it up. I've teacher snapped at dear Mike twice now to get him to leave me alone and he just crept in here and raised his hand to ask if I'd like one eggroll or two. What a trooper.

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