Sunday, January 06, 2008

Want an M&M?


9:30pm: Decided that upon official entrance to second trimester would surely not need barf medicine anymore. Didn't take it. Went to bed.


3:30am: Wide awake, cursing self for not taking medicine. Husband grinding teeth.

7:30am: Piglet awakens. Begin crazy run around process of getting ready for church. It's brunch morning, so put sausage and egg casserole in oven to cook. Smell is repulsive. Shower. Eat many crackers. Attempt to stifle nausea. Getting ready process is slo-o-o-o-w.

8:30am: Hear suspicious rattling sound from dining room. Clad in only pants and bra, race to scene. Upon investigation, discover Gus under table eating his fifth bag of M&M's. Scream and give chase.

8:35am: Dog quarantined in bathtub. Attempt to pour capfuls of hydrogen peroxide down dog's throat. Dog not accepting treatment, instead growling and snarking at my hand. Upgraded to syringe, squirting peroxide in general direction of dog's face. Process continued for some time with increasing agitation from dog.

8:55am: Scheduled departure in fifteen minutes. Am still in bathtub with dog, half-dressed with no makeup. No regurgitation from chocolate-filled growling beast. Casserole is bubbling away producing eggy, cheesy smell which is making stomach churn.

8:58am: Dog's stomach gives massive lurch and....RETCH! We have ginormous amount of chocolate laden dog vomit surrounded by foamy mounds of peroxide foam speckled with Beneful dog food. Ten seconds later....HURLP! A dark chocolately mound, dwarfed by the first eruption, lands in another part of the bathtub. I gulp, I gag, I fight the vomit while holding the dog in the tub.

8:59am: My barfphobic husband rushes in and takes my place. I gasp for fresh air and drag the dog outside.

9:05am: Pull casserole out of oven, gagging on smell. Race to get dressed and apply some semblance of makeup. Give in and take anti-barf medicine. Dress Piglet. Bring husband meat fork and Drano at his request.

9:10am: Ready to go. Husband emerges from bathroom slightly green and wielding meat fork. Decline to learn meat fork's use in getting dog barf, chocolate, and peroxide foam down bath drain. Request that it be destroyed immediately.

Rest of morning:
Late to church, gag on brunch food, barfy all day and tired from not sleeping well. Piglet emerges from church nursery with Instant Cold which he did not have upon entering. Apparently he got sick within 90 minutes. Nursery Ladies give me disapproving bad mother looks for bringing him to church sick.

Regain appetite around 7:30pm. Eat dinner. Top dinner off with bag of M&M's for kicks. Gus begs at my feet for treat. Are you kidding me, dog? "Gus, you've had your share of M&M's today, buddy. Go away." Gus turns around, walks to corner, and retches his dinner all over the floor. Sigh.

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