Sunday, July 15, 2007

Where's My Walker?! Get Me My Easy Spirits!

I'm not that old, really. I'm 31, a mere youth. A youngun', if you will. A wee sapling in the tree of life. But I'm starting to act old. Take my blog for instance. In the last month, I think I've talked about eye cream at least twice. Eddie's talked at great length about her varicose veins and she yelled at children splashing her in the pool. She's only 7 months older than I am. You should probably be grateful that I haven't shared the effects of my fiber bars on my bowel movements. On Thursday night, I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. That's when I knew that I was old.

First of all? I took a sweater. Nevermind that it was 90 degrees outside, I often get a little chill in a theater. So there I am, ready for the movie to start, all bundled up in my sweater when I start to be annoyed by teenagers. The giggling, the squealing, the blatant I-hate-you-flirting... all very annoying. I won't hesitate to admit that that was so Eddie and I about 15 years ago and we thought we were pretty darn cool. I might even point out that we once drove through a Taco Bell drive thru, ordering two and a half napkins and one straw. Great hilarity prompty ensued, as I'm sure you can guess. Then we rocked out to something by REM and drove around some more. I am very sorry for this now.

Once the movie began, you'd think I'd be over my old-ness. No, no. Movies are Way. Too. Loud. I mean, WAY. I have extraordinarily sensitive hearing and perhaps this is part of the problem, but it truly hurts my ears to sit through a movie. All the booming to the point that things vibrate? Is that really necessary? And the bright flashing lights! I missed most of the fight scenes in HP5 because the lights were too bright for my aged eyes. I kept having to squinch my eyes shut to avoid a headache. And then all those Hogwarts scenes that jump from doomy gloomy darkness to pa-BAM! morning daylight. Good gosh. You could blind the elderly that way.

So there I am. Old before my time. And I'm pretty sure I didn't get any points for interviewing the ticket sales girl about the sign in the window which clearly stated: "Children under 6 are not allowed into R-rated movies after 6pm." Are you kidding me? People do that? Is that really a problem? Why is this rule only in place after 6pm? And just to clarify, are 7 year olds allowed into R-rated movies after 6pm? I see. So, not only am I old, but the deterioration of parenting in this country has to slap me in the face too. I guess that also makes me a goody-goody for thinking it inappropriate for a young child to view an R-rated movie. Silly me.

Get me my PoliGrip and my support hose. I've got places to be.

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