Wednesday, August 09, 2006

How To Shave Your Legs When You're Knocked Up: A Guide

Step One: Bend over to pick up shaving cream. Grasp wall, position belly between legs, and lower self. Ease back up, anticipating certain head rush.

Step Two: Hike Leg #1 up onto shelf/ledge by grasping beneath thigh with both hands and swinging the appendage in wide arc around belly. Rest. Apply shaving cream liberally as you will be shaving parts unseen.

Step Three: Using right hand for right leg and left hand for left leg, begin to shave carefully. Though your toes may have some hairs on them as pointed out by friend, they are too far away to worry about. Leave them. Time is precious. Remember to stand up straight for breaths of air every few strokes.

Step Four: Drop razor due to fat, clumsy, swollen fingers. Cry a little. Slide foot off shelf and lower to floor with a thud, avoiding razor blade. Attempt to pick up razor with toes. Be proud of monkey-like abilities when razor is back in hand.

Step Five: Repeat steps one through four several times until legs are most likely 80% hair free. Higher percentages are not to be expected.

Step Six: Get out of the shower because the water is now cold and your town is under tight water restrictions.

Step Seven: Sneeze. Look down to see all of your goosebumps making your leg hair grow fresh and new. Begin lotioning regimen.

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