Tuesday, July 12, 2005

F is For Foul

Gus is a pretty nasty, gnarly dog. The other night when he woke us up oh, say, 7 times during the night projectile vomiting large spherical seeds onto the floor, we began to categorize his nastiness. It slowly evolved into this, the top ten nasty habits of Augustus Mortimer.

10. Feverishly licks armpits, feet, socks, underwear, etc. Derives great joy from activity.

9. Chases own legpit in circles while growling viciously.

8. Eats any potent item from trash, street, laundry, toilet. Chews with zeal and gusto. Seems to smile while gnashing teeth.

7. Hacks loogeys loudly with gutteral glee. Swallows final product after sounding like might choke self in process.

6. Breaks wind whenever reaches up to higher level with front paws. Growls at offensive noise behind self.

5. When plagued with pesky eye boogers, simply wipes face on mom's arm, feigning cutecuddliness. Is neither cute, nor cuddly after issue.

4. Drags anus across carpeting while holding rear legs in front of self.

3. Kills mice and baby rabbits with reckless abandon and murderous fury. Wags tail with pride.

2. Cleans ear at great depth with rear toenails, then licks off the goodness after careful and close examination.

1. Eats own vomit with great enthusiasm. Seems to enjoy it more the second time.

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