Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Freakshow That Is My World

Super!Fun Event was today (before the luau at night, that is clearly a separate festive occasion). I am utterly exhausted and irritated beyond expression. I don't know if it's just something in the air this year or what, but these parents are out of control. One more more day...I repeat my mantra every five to ten minutes.

Our Super!Fun Event is the end of quarter reward from our accountability checkbooks in which the students with enough money can rent a "booth" and create a product or service to sell to the other kids. They can then buy other goods and services from their classmates. It's all a jolly good time, I tell you. Those who are bad run out of money, those who are good earn more. It's a life lesson. Except when there's parents involved.

[taking moment to pull hair out and take long pull from flask]

Dear Parents,
Though it pleases me to see you take an interest in our school functions, it pains me to explain to you that this little contest at school today was not, in fact, for you. Your children worked very hard to earn the right and the money to participate today. See, you have already attended and graduated from the fourth it's your children's turn.
Despite your neighborhood newsletter, this event was not meant to spawn a cutthroat competition among the parents. It was not intended to be a show of who could spend the most money, nor was it a contest for Most Artistic Parent. While we invite you to attend the Funfest, we did not actually mean for you to run the booths yourself so that your child would have more shopping time than your neighbor's child.
Also, the essence of the day was to create a good or service to share with your classmates. While sometimes frustrating, waiting in line at the store does not constitute the creation of a good. You painting the background of the game does not actually count as your child creating the service. Hooking up your Playstation 2 so that the class can play Dance Dance Revolution and win prizes which you purchased at Toys R Us especially does not count in this particular entrepreneurial challenge.
And we would have preferred that you had not brought in the different colors of temporary hair color to paint onto children's heads. This is against dress code and your children had nothing to do with the actual service. And you got hair dye on my overhead projector and part of my bookshelf. Also, please refrain next year from bringing in the Bose speaker to pound Beach Boys music into the hall even after we told you it would have to be turned off. There are other classes trying to learn, we don't have doors, and we can still hear it when you sneak it back on. It was still not allowed the second time, just like the first time. I wish I could take money away from you, and it's clear to me why your child can't listen.
In closing, I hope that you had a lovely time today, as it may be the last Super!Fun Event that you will attend. What you have in essence done is deny your fellow cappucino club members the right to be guests at the event next year, since we will now have to ban all parents.
Thank you for your time. Together we can acheive more to help your child reach their greatest potential.
When Pigs Sing

Since these children are unable to clean up after themselves or follow directions, I then cleaned up my room while I eagerly awaited the evening's event: The Graduation Luau.

-Abrupt ending. Writer has passed out from sheer exhaustion.

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