Sunday, January 30, 2005

Captain Phlegm

I'm sick. I am personally offended by this cruel assault on my immune system. I feel slighted because I work so hard to do everything right regarding illness prevention. I read Glamour and Cosmo every single month. Clearly, this is the first step to good health care. I always pay close attention to the "Keeping Yourself Healthy in 2005!" articles.
Take a multi-vitamin, they say. Check! The Target-brand Multi. Every day.
Drink lots of water. Check! Well, I carry a gallon thermos of well-intended water to school with me every single day without fail. Sometimes I even drink it. It's just if I drink too much, then I have to go to the bathroom and I can't do that with the group of kids I have this year. So maybe not-so-much-check on that one. But, the list continues.
Wash hands regularly. Okay, I win this one. I'm a hand-washing fool. I have a sink in my classroom and hand sanitizer everywhere I go. We even have foam soap this year, and that stuff is good fun to use. Double check!
Avoid using cloth handkerchiefs. Well, CLEARLY. This habit has got to be one of the most repulsive, archaic methods of mucus control in existence. I'd like to meet the individual who thought it would be a clever idea to blow snot onto a cloth and then store it in their pocket for future exploits. (My dad is a big proponent of this practice.) (My mom is also famous for pulling used kleenexes from the depths of her purse during church and passing them my sister and me to use. *shudder*) (It's amazing I turned out as well-developed in the hygiene arena as I did, now that I'm thoroughly analyzing my gene pool.) Anyway, check.
Stay away from other people who are ill. Well, slight job hazard here, but I really do my best. My students are well-trained in illness prevention. When one of them launches one of those snot rocket sneezes in which the ill student winds up with an embarrassing mass of mucus about the face, we have all practiced keeping the display carefully covered with one hand and raising the other with a polite gesture to the kleenex box. So, kind of check. Best-I-can-do check.
Get plenty of rest. I am the best at rest. The supreme snoozer. The fiesta of the siesta. I can take a 10 minute catnap any day of the week. I'm in bed by 10 and up at 6. I get an A+ on rest. Check.
Avoid breathing dry air. Well. I may not get a check for this one. I live in Texas. There's only so much I can do about the climate. I do sleep with a Vicks Humidifier in my room at night though. Just like a baby. It makes nice churgling noises while I sleep. Which! Aids in my slumber, thereby helping with the previous tip. So, check. The only other advice is to not touch your face and to be aware that germs exist in mass quantities on doorknobs and grocery carts. I try, and I am aware. So, check check.
So, why am I sick? I think I am very aware of my surroundings and take many steps in disease prevention. Yet, here I am. Diseased. My throat is raw and my lungs have been taken over by Captain Phlegm. (Who made that word up? What a wretched-sounding word. Phlegm.) Cough. Wheeze. Based on these findings, my conclusion is that I am a victim of my job.
I am definitely not missing a day of school for this. This is the perfect opportunity to do some selective breathing upon kids. Plus, I'm not one to use my sick days when I'm sick...that's a waste of a day off. It's not worth it to write sub plans to take a day off sick. So, it turns out that I am a contributor to the problem. I'm certain that last on the list of advice would be Stay home when you are sick to prevent the spread of germs to others. Bygones. If the teacher ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Cough.

17 comments:

Quo said...

Funny post. And since I am thinking of becoming a "you" professionally, your joblink was a great read. Just a lurker delurking.

Quo

wanda said...

Okay....about the kleenex in the purse church thing. When sitting in church (quietly) and a child such as yourself sneezes one of the sneezes you described in your post, what is a mother to do?? With one hand covering what you can on your face, you look a me with utter disgust with yourself. I do the only thing I can. I dig into the purse and find anything that can possibly be used to take care of the situation.You know the usual stuff...gum wrappers, dollar bills, lipstick, wallet and oh yes, a crumpled kleenex. The kleenex found there WAS usually crumpled, but unused and clean. You just assumed they were dirty. I am always prepared to this day.I can't wait until you have kids. I am going to sit back and just watch. Chances are you will probably do the same things I did. However, if you want to use your skirt or blouse to clean noses, go ahead. At least your child will know it was clean.

Anonymous said...

You are sick because you focused so much of your energy worrying about not getting sick. Would you like some cheese with your whine?

jenny said...

you worry to much about being sick, clearly, that's why you're sick. never worry and never have a check-list, then you'll never get sick. it has worked for me my whole life :) (well, okay, it sometimes fail, but only every-other year or so. and i do eat a lot of vitamins. but still ;))

Pigs said...

Oh good grief. I don't worry all the time about getting sick. I was just running through a mental checklist. Literary exaggeration, people. Come on.
And yes, I would quite like some cheese. I feel that cheese is the food that goes with any meal, mood, or, in this case, condition. :o)
Lighten up and have a fun day! Sneeze!

John Hart said...

Texas is rampant with influenza. You really didn't have a chance. However, having said that, you can be one of the lucky ones to avoid getting inlufenza just be taking a daily dose of immunolin. My family has been doing it for years now and none of us get sick, including our 8-year old who daily visits the cesspool of bacteria and viruses at his school. Immunolin is available in a handful of brands, one of which is ImmunAssure. Look for it on your grocery store nutrition shelves or ask for it in a health store. And to keep up-to-date on the latest microbes out there, including the impending pandemic hellraiser, H5N1, visit Pathogen Alert at www.urgentebooks.com/blog

Anonymous said...

oh, I am lighten up. That is why I read you because you are enjoyable. What kind of cheese shall it be?

Pigs said...

Brie. Definitely brie. Oven melted with some dijon mustard on top. Some rye crackers to the side. And a candle. That or Cheez Wiz.

Kacie said...

Try yougurt. The active bacteria in it are supposed to be really good for your immune system. When I was a kid I took it to school with me every day, and from 1-12 grade I only missed one day of school due to illness.

Now that I'm at college the cafeteria doesn't serve yougurt and I'm sick about three times every year. I have no proof, but I highly suspect they're related.

posthipchick said...

drink airborne (developed by a teacher!) while you're sick and it will have a much shorter life. also, drug yourself up heavily with sudafed, theraflu, etc. and keep your classes mellow (i would say this may even call for a video).

Pigs said...

Oh, the days when I was allowed to play videos at school...I long for them so. Sweet videos. Life-saving, nurturing, sweet videos. Sigh.
Let me add that to my list about my school: no grades, discipline, doors, spelling, or videos.

Meredith said...

I'm sorry you're sick! That stinks. Hope you're feeling better soon! :) (Since everyone else seems to be offering their own remedies, I highly recommend a nice cup of tea, a blanket on the couch, and a chick flick on tv for the afternoon).

Desmond Goh said...

Hi thanks for your visit and leaving a comment at my blog. I wouldn't want to be a Mr. know how to fix it but I really can't remember when was the last time I got sick. I just do things that people normally do. I am not healthy contious and probably take in tons of bacteria through my mouth. I am probably sick all the time so I don't know what sick is. Well, it won't hurt if you don't realise it, sneeze... sneeze.. where is my cloth handkerchief...?

heidi said...

I love this post! You are very funny. Hopefully, you're grooming a crew of writers who can actually (gasp!) write or have an imagination. Or something!

Here's to, um, good health. Get better soon!

A Touch of Style said...

If you are this funny when you are feeling horrid, you must be hysterical when you are "fit as a fiddle"... where on earth did I pick up that expression?? It just popped into my head from no where!

Hope you can kick this bug really soon.

A Touch of Style :)

katielady said...

So, how many kids did you infect today? I hope there were some well-placed sneezes. Sorry you are sick. I still have a slight sniffle from my cold 3 weeks ago. Geez, it's been that long!

Oh, and I am a hankerchief carrier. I like them better than the mashed kleenex at the bottom of my purse. They are softer on my nose, and I have plenty so I can wash them regularly. It just seems a waste of a kleenex if you're just going to dab at your nose, you know? Hankerchiefs should be used for in-between-dabs at the nose, not full-fledged blows. Unless you are out and about in the park or something, and this is much preferable to a snot-rocket!

Katie said...

To this day, if you borrow a jacket from Mom, there will undoubtedly be a squashed up (possibly used) kleenex or two in each pocket! Who are the snotty kids that she is saving with these now that her own children are all grown up? As for your illness- maybe you just weren't sick enough as a kid. Look at me- I was sick practically my entire childhood, and now I am rarely sick. Didn't you have perfect attendance almost every year in school? And I agree, sick leave from work should only be used for doctor appointments and vacation! (Unless you are my co-worker, in which case- please stay home and don't get me sick!) hee hee! Hope you feel better soon!